The No Name Chronicles
by The Order of the Insane
Summary: "I hate being an OC. People expect me to replace Lucy in Team Natsu and then begin a relationship with Gray." When Alice, Bella, Celia, Denise and Emily are killed in a flood from the Mary-Sue Stellaluna-Aura's tears, they get reborn into Fiore after seriously annoying the dead. Also, they learn that OCs get their asses kicked a lot. First chapter...kind of boring...
1. The New Sue

**Fan Fiction Prologue: PRESENT TENSE**

This story begins on a cold, gloomy day when the streets are flooded; rain pouring down from the dark storm clouds looming above. Splattering against the pavement with force, coating the pavement with a glistening, wet layer of rainwater, the rain falls, delaying traffic and enveloping people its chilling, unfriendly grasp.

People huddle under umbrellas, shoes sloshing in muddle puddles as they hurry on their way.

In this place, there sits a small, red-bricked school, run-down and dull. In this school, sitting at their desks, just sitting, are our five protagonists.

And so begins our ridiculous tale of why anime, Mary-Sues and the real world should never collide...

**Chapter 1: The New Sue**

**Emily Elliott**

I sit at my desk, feeling incredibly bored, listening to Mrs Teliot, my rather dumb teacher drone on and on about something called, in her perspective, English. Well, to cut a long story really short, I sucked at it. I stare at my friends, who, instead of listening, are sleeping due to boredom, drawing, or yabbering about a game called Touhou. I suppress a great urge to laugh at Celia Carter, the sleeping one, as she really does look ridiculous with her mouth wide open.

Just then, Mrs Teliot strolls over. "Celia!" whispers Bella Belle, hurriedly waking her friend from her nap. "Uh?" Celia grumbles. She then spots Mrs Teliot, before sitting up straight, eyes narrowed and glaring. Insta-Hate, as Bella calls it, it being whenever Celia sees Mrs Teliot. Alice Ashley, who is doodling anime characters at a rapid pace, hastily stows her drawing pad under her desk.

Well, Mrs Teliot is actually too dumb to see any of that, so there's really no need for all the precautions, but still. Mrs Teliot turns on her heels a step away from us, and raises her hands into the air. "Today, class, we have a new girl! I hope you will all make her feel welcome! And, here she is now!" she sand shrilly.

Everyone stares hard at her, trying to figure out if she seriously kissed her own parents with that mouth. As we are about to make a conclusion, the strong smell of very expensive (and icky) perfume floods the room, interrupting everyone's train of thoughts,

"Now I know why they call it Eau de _Toilet_..." chokes Bella.

When the new girl steps in, I immediately sense something very, very, very wrong. In Hie Scroul High School, we have to wear standard grey uniforms. This girl, however, is wearing a short black miniskirt and a revealing top. Her hair is dyed navy blue with multi-coloured streaks. (She would later on claim it was natural.) She wears knee-high platform boots, and large earrings. "Hello," she says, in a voice sweet and melodious, "My names Stellaluna-Aura Moonbeam Darke Nowforthesurnamechuckinabunchofjapanesesoundingwor ds-Sushicomesinthebentosetmeal Hondacivic."

She pauses.

"Pronoced Stellaluna-Aura Moonbeam Darke_ Yumei._"

How can a twenty-nine syallable surname be pronounced as a two syallable surname? Someone tell me? Please?

I also notice how everyone esle in the class has glazed over eyes and is nodding appreciately and smiling brightly. "I will nw giv a speach." says Stellaluna-Aura, to many cheers.

"I am soooo looking 4ward 2 havin fun w/ all of u guys this ear. or shld i say girls ahaha lol so funny rite i jus told a joke!LOLOLOLOL!OMGGGGGGG!"

Everyone bursts into laughter except for myself as well as my friends. It seems that the five of us, the most unintelligent in class, have been saved from Stellaluna-Aura's charms by our stupidity! Who would've thought? I wasn't sure how it worked that way, though. (I just said we were the most unintelligent...)

Furrowing my brow, I think really, really hard to figure it out, before I decide that, okay, I'm just too dumb to know, and as long it is works I'll be fine so I don't really care either way.

Just as I look up, Mrs Teliot is assigning Stellaluna-Aura a seat. And I realise, the only seat available is next me...I mean, us...I mean...whichever one is plural...

Juuuust my luck. Why on Earth did I go and choose this desk?! I must be JINXED by, uh..., Stellaluna-Aura Moonbeam Darke Nowforthesurnamechuckinabunchofjapanesesoudingword s-Sushicomesinabentosetmeal Hondacivic's epic jinx powers! I think that's correct...Her name is kind of..._Unique_...Not in a good way at all.

"F*** my life." utters Celia.

Stellaluna-Aura gasps, "ONE MUST NOT SWEAR!"

*FACEPALM*


	2. OHSHIT

**Chapter 2: OHSHIT**

_Denise Dellwright_

"So, tell us about yourself." says Bella in that dazed voice she has, leaning forward to speak to Stellaluna-Aura, "You know, like where you were born and whatever crap that people call 'basic information'?"

Stellaluna-Aura's colour-changing eyes (according to her mood) light up, literally as well as figuratively, because her eyes change from that melancholy yet beautiful burgundy (with specks of black) to a iridescent swirl of bright colours like amber, blue and the like.

Nodding excitedly, she begins dramatically yet without any airs, "It was a cold, weenter night when I waz born, snw sweeeped thru da houz, I waz still a babee, but tt waz the nite i killed everbady in my famlee with my secret magic powers u dun noe of yet. natually, i kontrlled darkness as well as rainbows, and all-"

Celia holds out her hand impatiently. "Okay. F*** that shit. We don't want to know about you."

Stellaluna-Aura's eyes dim, and fill with tears as she sniffles reproachfully at Celia. "I...I just...w-wanted...to...t-to..."

She gasps and chokes as tears resembling pearls and diamonds streamed down her face, burying her face in her hands as sobs rack her body. "I just...wants...2...2...lyk...m-m-make fr...friends!"

"Mmm, that's nice..." sighs Bella, waving her pen in the air, "Hey! My shoes are white!"

Stellaluna-Aura sobs, "You weren't listening to my sad and depressing story! Now I'll repeat and waste my breath! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."

"NO!" screams Alice, "NONONONONONONONONONONONONO."

And now the epic dying part begins.

While we scream back and forth, we fail to notice that the water level is rising drastically. Alarmingly drastically. It's not long before I begin to choke on the salty, disgusting tears that taste like water from the sewer.

"WHAT THE HELL!" I desperately yell to Emily. "WHATHEHELLWHATHEHELL..."

The room fills with tears, so there's no way anyone could try to breathe. How very depressing. I stay on Earth for eighteen years of my life, dodging death in many ways, literally, only to be drowned by some idiotic Mary-Sue's TEARS. I open my mouth one last time to mutter my final words on Earth...My last words, to express my final feelings...

"Glrup GLUB uuglp mwouf GLUB Glub..."

Give me a break, I'm underwater.

Then the world goes black.

**:::**

When I come to, my body feels like lead. I don't want to open my eyes for the fear of what I'd see. Maybe it will be Mary-Sue land, with sparkly unicorns and giant rainbows. Or maybe I'll be dead. I'm not sure which one is worse.

Yeah.

But I sure don't feel dead.

After lying there for about a minute, I slowly peel open my eyes.

And then shut them.

It's worse than I expected.

I mean, hello! Who wants to see a big, buff guy in a white dress the moment you wake up? Yeah, I said, dress. And it's big and flowy too. "Hey, you're awake. Open your eyes!" he says, firmly. Reluctantly, I do.

"Why are you in a dress?"

"It's not a dress, it's a robe! A robe Heaven's angels wear."

"It's still a dress. Wait-Heaven? Oh, you're making a joke! Hilarious!"

~Stare~

I'm beginning to think that this is not a joke...No, no, there must be something wrong with me. I mean, guys in dresses? Heaven? No way I would make it to Heaven. Suddenly, I hear a loud scream from somewhere. Turning my head in that direction, I see a black pit that seems to go down forever, and flames and-is that lava? Spewing out from the top.

I swallow. "What's...that place?"

"Hell."

"Ah...I knew that, heheh..."

I think I'll prefer staying in Heaven...

**:::**

_(POV SWAP)_

Celia Carter

"We're what now?" I demand, to the lady in front of us. Since arriving and finding ourselves on the clean marble floors of Heaven, we found out that...well, we were dead.

The lady sighs and repeats herself for the eleventh time. "You're dead."

Bella stares at her, completely poker-faced. "Hilarious."

The lady shakes her head, blonde curls bouncing. "I know it's a lot to digest but...You're dead. Dead. D-E-A-D! Now please, do keep quiet." She smiles again, except this time it looks a lot more forced.

"Lalala~ My shoes are still white!" Bella giggles, grabbing her foot and hopping around. I'm really beginning to wonder about her attention span.

"And I still have Percy!"

"Who the heck is Percy?"

"My toy train! My green toy train!" From her pocket, she pulls out a small green paperclip. "Choo choo!" she starts moving it in the air.

Emily frowns and peers closely at it. "Uh, Bella, I think it's a tank."

"Oh." Bella stares blankly at her paperclip for a moment. "Bang! Bang!"

"If you've quite finished," the lady says, rather impatiently. Then again, this is expected, because almost anyone gets annoyed at Bella's psychotic-ness.

Suddenly, we hear the sound of feet approaching. Looking up, I see Denise hurrying to us.

"Guys! Guys! This buff dude in a dress-"

"My name's Jeff!"

"...This buff dude in a dress named Jeff says we're dead! And in Heaven, no less! And that we have to complete some obstacle course thingy to stay in Heaven!"

~Stare~

Alice raises her hand and says, "I'm all for it!"

I nod grimly, as does everyone else, with the exception of Bella who is still chasing her foot around with Percy in hand.

"Okay, then," smiles Jeff. "We'll begin in-"

"F*** you."

Jeff's smile disappears completely. "What did you just say...?"

"What, are you deaf, and stupid?" I scowl, "I'll do it, but f*** you."

Alarms bells start ringing. Jeff and the lady glare at me hatefully. "One must not swear. You are now going to hell. No second chances for those of you who have fallen from grace!"

_Whaaa...?_

The next thing I know, we are being hauled away by guards, in long, twirly dresses.

Er,_ robes._


	3. Percatatoes & Les Misérables

Warning! Les Misérables references and paperclip relationships! ("Hehehe~" says Bella.)

Review Answers:

**Autumn Win-Dow:**_ (Answered by IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey) _What...? Bob and hondacivic were not from nigahiga...We just know that Bob is a palindrome and Honda Civic is a Japanese car brand...Coincidence?

**NaLiForever**: _(Answered by Written Twilight)_ No! There will NOT be Gray X OC! When our summary said, "I hate being an OC...begin a relationship with Gray", it did NOT mean there would be Gray X OC! We are NOT pairing the characters up, dammit! If we ARE pairing Gray up (which, probably isn't so very important because this is mostly humour/bashing Mary-Sues, and NOT about you dang stupid Gray X OC pairing), it will be with a Fairy Tail character, most definitely Erza, _**and that's that.**_

**NaLiForever: **_(Answered again by IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey) _Most certainly not, no. No OCs will be paired with the actual characters. How did you derive such meaning from the summary, anyway? Besides, you tell me, which character in here is eligible to be paired with Gray? WrittenTwilight and I are both GrayZa fans, while the rest support JelZa, so chances are, he won't be paired with anyone. The rest of the pairings will most probably be: NaLu, GaLe, ElfEver and so on. So, no. No GrayXOC. Like, ever.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Percatatoes with a Chance of Les Misérables**

_Alice Ashley_

"Hell, HERE WE COOOOOOOOOOME!" Celia yells loudly.

"You sound really, really happy about that."

Celia scowls at me; evidently she's not happy about it at all, she's just doing it to annoy the dress-wearing people. *Coughcough* Looking up, I can see the guards from Heaven staring down at us, still in their long, twirly dresses-uh, I mean, robes. The idiotic *BLEEP*s who chucked us down to hell just because Celia swore.

They should really see how much she really swears when we're on Earth.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAA! SAVE MY POOR INNOCENT SOUL!" Denise ("DAI FOR SHORT!" she insists.) screams, waving her arms around.

Bella, who has the attention span of a Bella (she's in a category by herself), who somehow has a relatively good yet selective memory, is still giggling away, holding her paper clip train-I mean, paper clip tank-Percy. "Ooh! My shirt is black! Black is spelt B-L-A-C-K! Hehehe I spelt it right! Did I spell it right, Celia?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"Hehehehe~ That's funny since we're falling to hell!"

I would love to facepalm myself, except that I'm actually freefalling down to my somewhat doom, if anyone has failed to notice.

SPLAT.

Celia lands on the ground, face first-then we all fall on top of her, which is a pity, because she's the smallest out of all of us (and, as you have probably already noticed, the most profane). I doubt she can take our combined weight.

"HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN PUTTING ON MAJOR WEIGHT OR SOMETHING?" Celia shouts. "Will you all just get the f*** off me?"

Slowly, just to irritate her, we all get off slowly, like turtles wearing weights, even though that's not logically possible. Actually, it is if a human ties weights to the turtles, since it would be easy to grab one since they're so slow...Nevermind.

Once we had all gotten off her, Celia rubs her back and stands up. Then she turns to look directly at Bella, who seems to be holding something reddish...

"Hey guys! I've just remembered, I've got something that would TOTALLY help us get outta this dismal place! Awesome, right?!' Bella pipes up, clapping.

"WHAT?" We all yell in unison.

Bella, who's grinning, holds up the little red object that's in her hand. It's a...It's a...It's a...Red paperclip shaped like a really damaged satellite. Everyone groans, and Dai says, "Not AGAIN!', which pretty much sums everything up.

Remember Percy? The green paperclip tank-train whatnot whatnot?

"This one here," Bella utters, referring to the red paperclip,"is called Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It. It's a girl, so as you can see, she will be paired up with Percy! Percatatoes FOREVER!"

"WHAT PART OF IT LOOKS LIKE A DAMN SACK OF POTATOES?" I scream at her, only to get giggling as a response.

Bella's brain is now not functioning properly (I mean, what part of yelling "PERCATATOES PERCATATOES!" is sane?), but then again, it probably never has been. Dai and Emily, however, turn to ignoring their surrounings and to yabbering as per normal about their game, Touhou.

That just leaves two relatively sane people that is perfectly capable of thinking of an escape plan out of hell.

"AHHHHHHHHHH! AHAHAHAHA!" Celia yells, covering her ears. "LALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR ANYONE! YAY!"

Okay, make that one relatively sane person.

* * *

(POV swap)

**Bella Belle**

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Hehehe my shoes are white and Percy and Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It are getting married hehehehehe~

* * *

(POV swap)

**Denise Dellwright**

"So, Emily, do you prefer Embodiment of Scarlet Devil, or Ten Desires from Touhou more?" I ask.

"Will you all just shut up?" Celia snaps. "We're in hell-"

"Literally," coughs Alice.

"Thanks to you," Emily adds.

"PERCATATOES PERCATATOES PERCATATOES!" shouts Bella, hopping around on one foot, holding Percy and Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It.

Celia looks really, really annoyed. "Do you hear-"

Bella looks at Celia excitedly, "-THE PEOPLE SING, SINGING THE SONG OF ANGRY MEN~ IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE WHO WILL NOT BE-"

Les Misérables? At a time like this? Sounds really like Bella, all right.

Celia shrieks in irritation, "Bella!"

Bella stares blankly at Celia for a while, before continuing her song as though nothing had ever happened. "-SLAVES AGAIN. WHEN THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART ECHOES THE BEATING OF THE-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO!"

We all turn around sharply, and see someone clutching his head, wailing, "NO! Not Les Misérables! It reminds me so much of the times when I was alive! The torture! No!"

"Hehehehe!" says Bella, "He's funny!"

"THE TORTURE!" shouts another lady. "She reminds me so much of the time when I was young and cheery and alive! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooo!"

It seems like Bella can kill...

...with her happiness.

But anyway, moving on.

"BE QUIET! NOBODY APPRECIATES BEING REMINDED OF LIFE OR HAPPINESS HERE!" a slim, petite lady screams, shaking volcanic rock in our faces, wild eyes flashing.

Bella pouts. "I dreamed a dream I was allowed to sing Les Misérables...With lots of funny people, beside meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Emily punches Bella. "You are violating copyright issues!"

"Hehe!"

GET TO WORK!" some angel yells from above, "WE NEED MORE VOLCANIC ROCK FOR OUR BARBEQUE TONIGHT!"

Sounds totally delicious. I wonder what is going to be barbecuing.

Wait. What work?

* * *

"Stupid...volcanic...rock..." snarls Celia, gritting her teeth as she uses her shovel to-well, _duh_-shovel up volcanic rock.

Bella hums a tune as she dips her hands into the lava, pulling them quickly out to make "pretty, pretty splashes". What's that? You're wondering why she doesn't die from it? She's already dead!

The atmosphere really doesn't help with the painful labour; sure, it's beautiful in an eerie, ghostly way, but it's just...so...gloomy. Shadows dancing off the black walls? Check. Sparks and bursts of lava? Check. Bubbling, boiling, painful, lava? Check. Red glow of lava casting light over the whole place? Check.

Might as well have a giant welcome sign reading, "WELCOME TO VOLCANO LAND, THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!"

"We're probably doing it wrong." sighs Emily.

"Yes," we hear shuffling, and a melodious, lilting voice, like that of a harp and flute and piano even though that isn't genetically possible. We groan.

Turning around, we all, once again, see the vision of beauty.

"You _are_ doing it wrong," says the Mary-Sue, "The way I'm doing it is correct. I can show you how. Also, it's nice to meet you. My name is Crystal Melody Darke, I already know who you are."

Dai raises her eyebrow. "You're a Sue. Why are you in hell?"

"I saved a hell-dweller from a terrible, terrible fate. I was once one of Heaven's top angels, but alas, this is my punishment, for all eternity. I could not bear the injustice!"

[Insert facepalm here]

"Well," says Bella, rolling her eyes, "Go figure."

First a Mary-Sue, now Bella said something mean? Everything is officially going to hell.

Oh, wait. It already has.

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Alice Ashley**

"DO YOU HEAAAR THE PEOPLE SIIIIIIIIIIIIIING, SIIIIIIINGING THE SONG OF **FREAKING **ANGRY MEN!?" screams/sings Bella, pointing angrily at Crystal Melody Darke, who sobs, hurt, into her palms, producing many pearl-and-diamond tears.

This has been going on for hours.

So, what are the rest of us doing as Bella sings? Why, the obvious, of course!

RUNNING FROM ROCK-THROWING HELL-DWELLERS WHO ARE SERIOUSLY, VERY, TRULY, ANGRY!

I mean, we can't die, but those thing _hurt._

And so, this goes on for another few hours.

Then...

"I CALL FOR 'ER TRIAL! I DEMAND 'ER TRIAL! YER SKIVVIN' SECURITY ANGELS, GET YER HOLY ASSES DOWN 'ERE AN' GIVE 'EM NEW BRATS A STINKIN' TRIAL!" bellows some guy with an accent.

A few moments of creepy silence ensues before the holy halo-ed head of a security angel pokes over the edge of the chasm. "Hallo!" calls the angel, "Is everything alright down there-"

"Hehehe!" laughs Bella, "It's a pun! He said, 'Hello' spelt as 'Hallo', and he's wearing a halo!"

Try saying that five times really fast. And how can she tell the difference, anyway?

"Evidently," sighs the angel, "Everything is not okay."

And with a flash, I'm spinning...spinning...spinning...into nothingness.

* * *

Heyyo! This is Kibora. The Fairy Tail members are taking for. Ev. Er. To get into the story. Please, please, please endure it for a while more! I promise they will be in the next chapter! Also, do tell us if any of the ABCDE characters are getting...Sue-ish.

Thank you for reading!

IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey  
[The Order of the Insane]  
Kibora


	4. To Be Completed Sometime In The Future

**4: To Be Completed Sometime In The Future**

_Bella Belle _

I wake up to bright, bright lights, a large contrast to hell. (I really have to speak to them about their lighting. It's horrible for my eyesight.) I first banish all thoughts of that horrid Sue, Crystal Melody Darke, from my mind, and then try to figure out where I am.

Okay. I don't need to. In front of me, there is a giant sign that reads: WELCOME TO HEAVEN'S HOLY COURTS.

I feel scared. Thank goodness and sugar and candy that I have my friends and Percy and Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It with me.

Wait! Percy and Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It!

I scramble around desperately, calling out for my two lovely paperclips. They had been a present from Alice when I first mistook Percy for a train. I know he's a tank, but he is and always will be my sweet little loyal tank.

I know a lot of people think I'm crazy, but really, I am capable of an independent thought, and I can be quite logical.

Deep, deep, deeeeeeeeeeep down.

Hehe~

Finally, I find them on the ground, and hastily rush to them.

"Not your annoying paperclips again." sighs Celia from behind me, arms akimbo.

"Yes, my annoying paperclips again. Hehehe~"

Spotting my two paperclips near the edge of the chasm, I feel a sense of dread within the pits of my stomach. Slowly, I inch my hand over, so as not to push them in. My fingers close around Percy, the fingertips reaching out for Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It (SOPWAHIT), so, so close, when someone shoves me from behind, pushing me and my fingertips forward, wrenching SOPWAHIT out of my grasp and soon, she's falling...falling...falling...

"NO!" I scream, lunging forward despite knowing that if I fall off, it's a sheer drop into burning hot lava (but then again, I'm dead), "Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It!"

But by the time I've finished calling out her name, she is out of sight.

Gone.

And Alice is to blame.

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Alice Ashley**

I do feel bad for Bella as she sits near the edge of hell and wails miserably, turning once in a while to glare hatefully at me.

But it's not my fault she has such a loving relationship with her paperclips. Talk about anthropormothizing. I mean, _seriously_. It's a paperclip.

"Come. We must go to court." says Jeff, who has materialised behind us, looking at us with hate and disgust. Bella wipes her face on her shirt and cradles Percy gently, before shoving it into her pocket. She insists it's a "him", though I_ really _think otherwise. We march up the white marble stairs, into the gold-columned building in front of us.

Into a swirly rainbow teleporter.

As we're spinning through space in a whirl of eye-blinding neon shades, Emily sighs. "Argh, they could have just put on of these at the _bottom of the stairs_."

"This place is all gold and white and shiny jewels." huffs Bella, who has gone into I'm-so-angry-I'll-kick-your-ass mode.

Jeff frowns, arms crossed, his white dress fluttering around him, gold-lined white wings spread out as he glides along horizontally. "You don't like our city?"

"No," says Bella, "I just think you guys are horribly uncreative, stupid, moronic, obsessed with goodness, douchebags and possess a lack of paperclips."

Hey, there is a reason why we ended up in hell, you know.

At that moment, when Jeff is about to retort, we are spat out into court, by the teleporter.

Spat out. Into court. Literally. In very un-glam positions.

"LET THE TRIAL BEGAN!" booms a disembodied voice, echoing throughout the room. I swallow as the trial-well-begins.

Duh.

"You sang Les Misérables, guilty or not?"

*Silence*

"HELLSCH YEAH DUDE! TAKE THAT, IN YOUR DEAD FACES! YEAH, WE SANG! WE F***ING SANG! WHAT YOU GONNA DO, KILL US?" laughs Celia psychotically.

Slowly, we all inch away from her.

"G-Guilty!" screams the judge, looking terrified at Celia. "I vote w-we send then back to l-life, where they c-can't bother us! Or sing."

Everyone cheers because they're all angels and it's not possible for them to disagree with each other.

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Emily Elliott**

"So? Step in." demands the security angel, gesturing to the black hole in front of us. Yes, I was glad we would have a chance at life again, but their method of transport back into the living...was...stupid.

It was a black hole, filled with hot winds that probably swept you up and spun you around, and it was pitch black and smelt like...smelt like...wet dog mixed with blue cheese and week-old garbage.

Only worse.

"Dude, seriously." Dai raises an eyebrow at the security angel, "You want us to step through _that_? Unless you can prove to me that Koishi is not freaky, I will not step into that. Basically, all you have to do is find a crow with the powers of nuclear fusion, and a cat who carts off the corpses of the dead, and successfully kill them both using bullets, but not a gun, while dodging zombie fairies and suns. They both live in hell, so it shouldn't be too hard, right?"

(A/N from ForgottenUmbrella: I wrote this part, which is why it's so Touhou related.)

"No. Too bad for you."

And we're shoved through.

Remind me again why we always get pushed into portals?

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow." sighs Alice, as the winds keep banging us against each other, "You know, how long is this trip in pitch darkness going to take? Like, really. It's been how long? It's horrible when we can't see anything and are in constant pain. And the heat. Don't even get me started. You know, at some point, it's going to be excruciating pain and we pass out because things always get dramatic like that."

Bella (probably) nods her head. "I'm terribly OOC at the moment. The moment I get Sack Of Potatoes With A Hole In It back, I'll return to normal. But for the time being, you get perfectly sane Bella."

Dai gasps in horror at the prospect. Bella sane? The chances of that were about as much as waking up in Gensokyo without any memories at all then finding out that the world was just someone's dream.

Touhou fangame CtC reference. (A/N from ForgottenUmbrella & Night Chimes: Anyone who recognises it raise your hands. Or your armpits.)

Basically, zero point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, one percent chance.

"Hey, guys, my foot is starting to burn. We're going to be put through excruciating pain soon, since the authors are trying to throw in the canon characters by this chapter." Alice deadpans.

Celia speaks, for the first time since the major swearing session she had when we were first thrown in, "Yes, yes, whatever. Just stop breaking the fourth wall."

"You're breaking the fourth wall just by saying that." Alice replies.

"EVERYBODY SHUDDAP!" yells Denise, putting an end to the fourth wall argument.

Cue excruciating pain and passing out.

It feels as if I am in a dream.

I can hear without sight, and feel without taste. (A/N from IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey: I have no idea what on earth I just wrote, but I'm pretty sure it makes sense)

"Sennen ko wa, sagashiteru

daijina hearto, sagashiteru

Anata wa atari, tashikameyou..."

I shudder at the chilling voice, like that of a kid's, but so much creepier and so wrong at so many levels. "No..." I hear a voice whisper, sweeping past me like wind, "Not the right place..."

This goes on for a while, as if I am drifting through different dimensions, hearing things that are currently going on. Then I hear the voice again, this time louder, and I identify it as that of...Jeff's. That guy is appearing a lot these days.

"Yes, Fiore. The perfect place for them to get their butts kicked by rogue guilds wielding dark magic."

_OK, that didn't sound too good._

**Screw that. **_It didn't sound good at all._

Before I can protest, a circle of light opens in front of me, and as it widens, I can see that beyond that seems to be a street, no, a road, bustling with people.

And I'm flying towards it.

"PLEASE LET THERE BE NO CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR S!" I wail, as the portal spits me out, along with my friends.

Naturally, there had to be cars.

But not like any I'd ever seen before. They were strange; their drivers seemed to be taking their blood pressure or something, with these black contraptions strapped to them.

And the one hurtling down the street at us has to be going at at least a hundred kilometres per hour. Dai, Alice and I scramble out of the way, while Celia chooses to scream, "F***ING CAR! YOU TRYING TO KILL US?"

Bella-Wait. Where is Bella?

As Dai runs back to drag Celia out of the way, the portal decides to toss Bella out at that very moment. She looks up just as the car approaches.

"DANGNABBIT JEFF!" she hollers, getting up and sprinting towards the curb.

Someone from the car screams, "ERZA SLOW DOWN YOU'LL KILL SOMEONE AT THIS RATE!"

"GRAY WE NEED TO CATCH UP WITH-WHO IS THAT IN FRONT OF US?!"

"KYA SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN OR SOON MY SPIRITS WILL LOSE THEIR OWNER SOON!"

"AHAHAHAHA HAPPY ISN'T THIS GREAT?!"

"AYE SIR!"

And the car zooms past.

We awkwardly stare after it. "What the bloody hell was that?" Celia gawps, still managing to fit in some time for cussing.

"I...don't know..." Alice shakes her head, "So...do you guys, by any chance, have money?"

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Bella Belle**

That is how we ended up in this job as hair-dressers. (Although we're about fifteen, so child labour must be legit.)

_"We can cut hair! Our styles have been said to be very unique and some people are so speechless the only thing they can say is, 'Wow!" afterwards!"_

_"OK...fine, you're hired!" _

_Celia drops her voice, "Unique in a bad way and wow as in 'Wow how ugly can a person's hair get?'. But then again, our new boss never specified."_

The bell rings as our first ever customer walks in, a girl slightly older than us by say, four years, and takes a seat of one of the fluffy chairs. Dai shows her to a seat and starts by washing her hair. I don't bother telling her that she's using the shampoo for anti-dandruff.

Sitting her down and draping a towel over her, Celia asks for what style she would like to have her hair cut in, but I doubt Celia is listening. "OK, OK..." she sighs, everytime there is a pause. When the girl is done, Celia calls to me, "Bella, this lady has told me what she wants, now you can cut it for her."

**HOW DOES THAT _WORK_?**

Besides, I'm too depressed over Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It to do...anything besides running away from speeding cars.

I choose a pair of scissors; this cute silver on. And I begin cutting. "How short?" I ask, and the gestures to a certain length. I cut it to about two inches shorter than there, and then since I don't know what she wants or how to cut hair, I decide I'll just experiment. After all, you learn from mistakes.

I decide on some platinum blonde hair-dye, with maybe blue highlights. Yes, perfect.

"You are so dead," mutters Celia.

Massaging in the blonde dye, I notice Emily whispering loudly to Dai, gesturing towards me. "What?" I demand, looking down.

Oh.

I have obviously not been paying attention, because I have somehow created a disgusting mix of red, pink, blue, green, orange and blonde dye._ Ohhh._ How did I even accomplish that?

I decide to perm her hair; perhaps the dye will melt off due to the heat? Um, the perming thingy uses heat, right? And curlers? "Hold on for bit." I say, wriggling my fingers for an attempt I am sure that will fail.

It failed.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HAIR!?" screams the customer, spit flying into my face. "I HAVE A DATE! WITH LOKE!"

I try to put on a sympathetic face, while on the inside I am yelling, "OMG DUDE YOU ACT LIKE I EVEN CARE!" I mean, I am still not happy over the loss of Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It. And do I know a Loke? No.

At that moment, the bell rings as someone steps through the door, and our customer gasps and ducks behind a chair.

"Hello ladies," winks a sparkly young man with orange hair and spectacles. "I'm Loke, my _special acquaintance_ said she'd be here?"

From behind the chair, I hear a muffled sob.

Casting the chair a suspicious glance, Loke saunters over and looks at us in a way that he (and solely he) probably thought was charming. "Have you seen her, hmm?"

Silence.

"WHATHEHELLAREYOU?" Celia springs up and brings a bottle of cleaning solution down on his head, only to have the bottle shot out of her hands by a blast of light.

Blue liquid splatters all over the ground.

Now we have to clean up.

I hate cleaning up.

Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It used to clean up with me. The memory...it's too painful! "AAAAAAAAAH! I DON'T WANNA CLEAN UP!" I scream, throwing pink hair dye at him. Another flash of light, probably to blind me, but...

"MY GLASSES ARE TRANSITION LENSES! AHAHAHHA! LIGHT DOESN'T AFFECT ME!" I shriek maniacally.

And, unfortunately, the bottle of dye misses him by a good two metres. My throwing must suck.

Suddenly, the girl pops up, covering her face, sobbing, and stops in front of Loke, wailing, "I'm sorry, sweetheart! I can't let you see me like this! We're over for the time being! I'm sorry! So sorry! I hope you'll forgive me!" Choking back tears, she dramatically throws her hand to her forehead and dashes out the door.

"Wow." says Emily.

Hm. So Celia technically wasn't lying when she said that all people would be able to say was "wow" after the haircut.

"So," Loke winks, "Forget her. Which one of you is...available?"

Oh. Right. Him. He's still there.

"Come on! Don't be shy! I'm Loke of Fairy Tail!"

"Loke of...what?"

"Fairy Tail!" *Pose*

"You're...from a fairy tale?"

"Fairy Tail...the guild?"

"I got nothing."

And then the Loke guy just stares at us like all of us have an IQ of seventy points.

"YOU DON'T KNOW OF FAIRY TAIL? WE'RE THE GREATEST MAGE GUILD IN FIORE! WHAT ARE YOU; REINCARNATED PEOPLE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!?"

"Well, technically speaking, we are. We annoyed the f*** out of people in hell so they sent us here," says Celia matter-of-factly.

Slowly, he backs out the door. It seems as though a lot of people like to avoid us, which isn't so much of a surprise since if we've already been chased out of Heaven and hell, anything else isn't that big of a deal.

After getting fired, we decide to check out this "Fairy Tail" place. Walking around, asking for directions is easy, since everyone seems to know where it is. We find out that this place is Magnolia, Fiore. It's a..._quaint_ little town with magic at your fingertips. Everything you need! Housing, marketplaces, magic shops, cafes, all you of which you can obtain with ease!...If you have money. Or in this dimension, jewel, the main currency.

"My legs aaaaaaache..." moans Alice. "How long has it been?"

Dai glances down at the watch she always has on, wherever, regardless. "One minute."

"And ten seconds," Emily adds.

"Well, we're here," Celia says, gesturing to a building with words spelling out "Fairy Tail". (A/N from IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey: This is pre-timeskip.)

I carefully pull open the door.

And promptly get a flying beer keg in my face.

* * *

**EDIT NOTE: CHANGED BACK TO PRE-TIMESKIP!**

Hey! This is Kibora, again! I hope you have enjoyed our longest chapter yet! Raise your hand if you had no idea what Lexi was talking about; none of us understood either. Just so you know, the OCs won't have any powers or abilities...I don't think they'll even be official members of the guild...they'll be there as maids or something like that. Sorry if there were errors, since we all simultaneously work on the same document, there tend to be slip-ups here and there.

Thank you for reading!

[The Order of the Insane]  
IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey  
Kibora/Cora

Hi! This is Lexi! Sorry about the references. If you don't understand them, it doesn't really matter because they are totally irrelevant and will make no difference to the plotline.

[The Order of the Insane]  
ForgottenUmbrella  
Lexi

Hi! Kibora here again. Lexi cannot spell "irrelevant". Pardon that.

[The Order of the Insane]  
IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey  
Kibora/Cora


	5. Fiona Felicia, Mary-Sue Hunter

Themulchmeister: Sure, we'll work on adding more character descriptions**.**.**.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Fiona Felicia, Mary-Sue Hunter**

_Celia Carter_

Then many things happen at once.

"BELLA'S BEEN BEER-BARRELLED!" I shriek.

"Say that ten times really fast!"

"BEER _KEG_!"

"WHATEVER! I DON'T CARE!"

"WELL I DO!"

"BEER KEGS; GET DOWN!" yells Dai.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" And then Emily gets a beer keg in her face too.

Because I love getting into conflicts, I decide to storm into the building and scream at everything and everyone in sight. Unfortunately, I forget that when Loke said "mage guild", it meant the mages use MAGIC. So I walk about ten feet before a table slams into me.

The rest run forward to help me and shout insults along the way, except for Bella who refuses to budge since she is STILL mad about a certain _paperclip _named Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It. "OH COME ON!" yells Alice, stomping over to Bella and handing her a red paperclip, "I'D THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF SANE, SO I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A DUMB REPLACEMENT SACK O' POTATOES WHATNOT WHATNOT, BUT NO! YOU'RE EVEN WORSE LIKE THAT! SO TAKE THIS STUPID PAPERCLIP AND GO. HELP. CELIA!"

There is a horrible, horrible silence; even the brawling stops. Everyone watches with either anticipation or confusion as Bella takes the paperclip.

...

...

...

...

"Hehe~"

"OHMYGOD YES! SHE'S BACK TO NORMAL!" screams Emily.

Bella giggles and skips over to me and helps pull the table off, to the relief of everyone. Unfortunately, Alice's outburst has also gotten everyone in the building to notice us, which is ironic because a few seconds ago they had been ignoring us and fighting.

"Hallelujah," I mutter, slightly sarcastically. Honestly I can't make up my mind whether Bella is better off sane or obsessing over her paperclips and giggling twenty-four/seven and going on about how her _freaking _shoes are white. Though, when she was sane, she made a great partner in verbally ruining people's lives.

Bella prods me in my side. "I can switch between sane and not-so-much sane now! Hehehehehehehehe~"

I almost literally jump for joy, something which I have only done once in my life. That would be, um, two seconds ago. I think that Bella may just turn out kind of awesome...-ish. Though, less than me.

"My shoes are-"

"DAMMIT, BELLA," I yell. "SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR SHOES WE UNDERSTAND THEY ARE WHITE."

Okay, nevermind. I retract my former statement regarding Bella just turning out kind of awesome.

That is when I realise there is this big, macho guy with white hair marching towards us. He shoves a finger in our faces. "ARE YOU MEN?"

What.

The.

F***ing.

Heck.

"No...we're here t-to find F-Fairy Tail?" stutters Dai.

The guy seems to think for a while. "So..." He cocks his head. "ARE YOU MEN?"

What is up with this guy?

I start to mentally question myself if everyone we've met so far in this dimension has the brain power of a table.

"Elfman," says a girl in a dress, smiling sweetly at us, "Let me take over. Hello! I'm Mirajane! This is Fairy Tail, the guild. May I help you?"

Bella seems to switch to sane mode. "Well," she begins, "We-"

"Are those implants?" questions Dai.

"Dai!" exclaims Alice.

Mirajane raises an eyebrow. "What?"

Dai waves her hands in an exaggerated manner in circles over her chest. "Are those, you know, implants?"

* * *

Let's just say, after a very, _very _awkward conversation with the girl Mirajane (not to mention Dai butting in every now and then throughout the conversation asking about implants), we ended up in Fairy Tail. Not as members, of course, that would be too Mary-Sue-ish, but tourists.

"Um..." Alice awkwardly pushes her mug of beer around. "We need to discuss some imporant things...maybe Mirajane could help us? It's about our living here for the rest of our lives."

Instantly, we are all ears, which doesn't happen very often.

"What?" I demand, in my usual _charming_ manner. Do you detect sarcasm?

"DOES THIS PLACE HAVE NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINKS?"

We all stare at her with expressions screaming that we think she's stupid, with the exception of Bella who giggles in her usual manner that practically _screams _insane.

She raises her hand, still giggling. "What about our housing and stuff? Maybe Mirajane can find accomodations for us? Hehe~"

"No, Bella. Wrong," says Emily, after years of learning that every time Bella gives a suggestion, it's best to shoot her down.

Dai puts a finger to her chin. "How about...we play Touhou?"

We shake our heads, in all severity.

"Eat food?" suggests Alice.

"No money," I groan.

Then, Emily jumps into the air. "_How about, _our housing and stuff? Maybe Mirajane can find accomodations for us?"

"BRILLIANT IDEA!" shrieks Alice.

Bella stares at them, expressionless. "My shoes are white today...?"

"...Are you guys stupid?" I scowl.

Alice glares down at me. "No! You are! Bella's idea was the most SUCK out of all the ideas! Did you honestly think we would choose her idea?"

Just when I am about to get all up in Alice's face, the guild's wooden door is ripped straight off its hinges and a green car plows in, wood splinters flying everywhere. "GRAY-SAMA!" swoons/shrieks a girl with blue hair from nearby, "JUVIA MISSED YOU! WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE HER WITH YOU?"

"Hehe~ She's funny. Maybe she lost her paperclips?"

What. This place just keeps getting weirder.

Five people (plus two flying cats) alight, ditching the car in a corner. I don't recognise them at all, but Bella seems to.

"OHMYPAPERCLIPS YOU'RE THE PERSON WHO ALMOST RAN ME OVER!" she hollers, pointing at a redheaded girl in armour.

The girl doesn't even bat an eyelid at Bella. "Mira," she asks, in a voice full of authority, "Who are these people? New mages?"

"Welcome back, Erza! How was the job? Good? These are tourists. You know, they just want to check out our guild."

In a flash, Emily is beside Mirajane. "Actually, we were wondering if we could have a job and accomodations?"

Mirajane seems to consider this for a while, before she lauches into a series of questions.

"Are you a mage?"

"No..."

"Can you fight?"

"Of some scale."

"Can you clean?"

"Um...kind of."

Mirajane looks us over.

And hands me a broom.

"We could use some cleaners...maybe...about 30 jewel a day per person? Plus two rooms from Fairy Hills?"

"DONE!" I say, despite not knowing what I'm supposed to do or what the accomodations are.

"MONEHHHH!" chimes in Bella, "ME LIKE MONEHHH."

Emily smiles to herself. Did I mention? She likes money too.

* * *

Okay. We're officially doomed. We have to clean the whole. Of. Fairy. Tail. Inclusive of Fairy Hills. AAAH! NO! CLEANING! At least our rooms are fully functional, with beds and everything. You know, since we have no cash. Yet.

"Ahhhhh," says Dai, jumping onto one of the beds. "Comfy!"

"Dai!" I snap, "Don't get too comfortable. We haven't cleaned Fairy Hills or Fairy Tail yet! And this place is huge! We start work early tomorrow, remember?"

Emily's head shoots up. "And be careful to spend the money wisely when you get it! NEVER WASTE MONEY!"

"MONEHHH!" echoes Bella.

Dai sighs and groans like it's a horrible thing.

Actually, it is. Take it from people who have been from hell and back, literally.

And then, as if to emphasise on what a huge deal it is, Dai makes some dying cat noises which we don't really care for, since Dai has a habit of saying stuff-or making noises, in this case-that never has any relevance whatsoever to anything we're discussing and we have long since given up on her.

* * *

_(POV Swap)_

**Alice Ashley**

It's official.

We. Are. Sunk.

Let us start off with the fact that Fairy Tail loves to party, and will use any excuse. Therefore, they are throwing a party to "commemorate the festive occasion of sucessfully hiring maids". Meaning, we'll be up awake till late at night, and have problems staying awake on the job. Brilliant.

Now, we are seated around the guild, planning for the party, after introducing us to everyone. "Planning" meaning GODDAMN ARGUING ABOUT HOW TO SERVE HAM, HOT OR COLD.

"HOT! WITH EXTRA TABASCO SAUCE, AND CHILLI, AND PEPPERS!" yells Natsu, slamming his palms down on the table, looking around in a challenging manner.

Gray shows Natsu his balled fist, "COLD, YOU POINTY-EYED BASTARD! EVERYONE KNOWS COLD HAM IS BEST!"

Some members nod while Juvia decides to show her consent with an attempt at winding herself around Gray's legs. "Graaaaaay-sama! As usual, you're right! Juvia likes her ham cold, too! You are so smart, Gray-samaaaa!"

Dai asks about just making two seperate portions of ham, one hot and one cold.

"NO!" bellow Gray and Natsu in her face.

She backs away. "Okay, okay, I was just suggesting...You two can be almost as scary as Flandre..." she laughs nervously.

"...And when we get married, our kids will be so smart, thanks to their handsome, charming and smart daddy!" fantasizes Juvia, who is, by the way, really not helping.

"Whatever." sighs Emily, rolling her eyes.

* * *

So in the end, we end up settling for chicken drumsticks. WARM chicken drumsticks. Idiots. I am starting to question the sanity of the people who have just hired us.

"HOW...THE...HELL...DID...WE...GET...OURSELVES...INTO...THIS?" screeches Dai from over the music. "THIS IS WORSE THAN TOUHOU SA'S STAGE-"

"SHUT UP!" screams Celia, waving her kabab stick dangerously at Dai, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!"

Dai shuts up.

But Emily doesn't. "Well, yeah, I agree with you, Dai! You were going to say the-"

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP I TELL YOU, YOU F***ING TOUHOU LOVERS!" she shrieks, this time waving a barbeque stick. A_ piping hot _barbeque stick. God knows where she gets these things. Maybe from hell.

Mirajane slides into the seat next to Emily, asking if she minds. Emily, in her usual nonchalant manner, shrugs.

"My, my," smiles Mirajane, "It seems our newbies are getting into arguements."

I sigh, doodling on a piece of paper; I tend to do that a lot, since it's my hobby. But mostly I doodle and then kill trees by throwing them in the regular bin instead of the recycling bin. I am _so_ badass. "Yes, what is it, Mirajane?"

She grins happily. "So, I was thinking it would be great if you had magic; you know, it would help with your work. And at that time, I was looking through the storage and, look!" She holds out six different coloured orbs. "I found lacrima, for magical abilities! I went through them, and I selected some that I thought would suit you just fine! Just swallow them, and you'll have powers! ...Of some extent."

As Mirajane hands out the lacrima, we simply stare at them doubtfully. "WHY IS MINE PINK?" exclaims Celia.

Mirajane casts her a sly look. "Trust me; this power allows you to cause mass destruction. Go on, swallow."

On hearing the words "mass destruction", Celia grabs the lacrima and swallows. Instantly, she is surrounded by a faint black glow, that grows darker and larger, sizzling with electricity, before it fades.

"HELL YEAH!"

"Now," instructs Mirajane, "Use it. Think deep, happy thoughts. Or just inwardly scream, 'BY THE LIGHT OF THE SUPER AWESOME LACRIMA AWESOME FANTASTIC MAGIC FRIENDSHIP NATURE'S AURA OF THE ORDER OF LIGHT MAGIC POWER ON!'"

Celia does as told, clenching her fists and furrowing her brow. Despite the commotion around us, the world seems to have gone still and silent, and for a moment, nothing happens.

First, Celia is rising up into the air, before she stays levitated about half a metre off the ground. Then a scary red aura is emitting from Celia, glowing brightly in the dark atmosphere. Her eys fly open, and when they do, they're completely...pink.

Emily sums up what we're all feeling. "What."

Celia drops back down to Earth and holds out her palms.

"Here it comes!" whispers Mirajane excitedly. A few guild members have stopped by to watch as well.

Tendrils of mist appear around Celia, before extending and curling around her, creating a thick mist, not showing any signs of stopping. Then, a few tentacle-like tendrils shoot out from nowhere, grabbing anything in sight and squeezing them, which would be equal to strangling an opponent in battle.

Cool.

Except, the tendrils, the mist, everything-are sparkly pastel pink.

"WHAT? WHAT? WHERE'S THE MASS DESTRUCTION?" shrieks Celia. "I WANT DESTRUCTION!"

Mirajane opens her mouth. "Oh, and your powers might not always work; it takes years to master it."

Not helping.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGG GGGGGHHHH!" Celia screams, and before we can stop her, she goes on a rampage.

We decide to swallow our lacrima.

* * *

Let us just say that the whole party was left in ruins. The moment they see Celia using magic, the guild figured it was a brawl and, well, brawled.

"CELIA! You destroyed the guild!" Dai looks hysterical. "We could get fired!"

"See? Mass destruction," Mirajane giggles evilly. I make a mental note to never mess with her.

Emily rests her head in her palm, drumming her fingers on a partially-wrecked table. "I could care less. I mean, our IQ levels are seriously low, so this was bound to happen."

"Agreed."

"Yeah."

"She's right, you know?"

"Hehe~ Percatatoes."

"Why don't we go back and rest?" I suggest.

Before they can answer, I see the master striding towards us, a grim expression on his face. I swallow nervously.

"HIHI~!" sings Bella in greeting, perched on a table, swinging her legs gaily, her dark hair tied up in a overly bouncy ponytail. Oh, well, it _is_ Bella.

Makarov stares sternly at us. Beads of sweat trickle down my spine. Emily sighs, mumbling, "Whatever." Dai nervously traces patterns along the table with her fingers.

A scary minute passes.

"Heyyo!" Makarov breaks into a grin. "That was a great party fight!"

_Um...sure? Heheh. _

"That's nice...Wait, what? We destroyed_ half the guild._" Emily, as usual, isn't paying any attention.

Makarov waves his hand dismissively, still with a wacky grin plastered all over his face. "We have a fight every party. But this is the first time we've had newbies with such initiative! Starting a fight without being told to, that's great! I'm glad we hired you! I have to go now; I'm looking forward to beating you up sometime. Bye!"

Everything about that conversation was simply weird. Not to mention the fact that half the time, the guild master was _totally _monologuing. We were exhausted, weirded out, and could absolutely wait till tomorrow to test out our lacrima.

* * *

We trudge back to Fairy Hills, while Bella skips along with her annoyingly bouncy ponytail, with Erza, Lucy and Juvia, trying our best from staying out from the conversation.

"It's nice to have newbies once in a while," Erza smiles wistfully, "They learn to keep up with the cruel world around them. I hope you enjoy it here." She turns to smile at us.

Lucy nods in agreement, "Everyone welcomed me so well when I was new!"

Juvia turns to grasp Emily's hands, since she is the nearest to her. "Yes! Juvia wishes you all a happy time here! She will try to guide you along the way, like Fairy Tail did for Juvia when she was still causing pain to others! You'll enjoy it here!** BUT IF YOU TOUCH JUVIA'S GRAY-SAMA JUVIA SWEARS SHE'LL PERSONALLY RIP OUT YOUR-"**

What _is _this girl's _problem_, exactly?

"O-Okay..." Emily mumbles, wrenching her hands out from Juvia's increasingly tight grip.

"Weirdo," Celia says under her breath.

Our journey continues with monologues from Juvia on topics like "How silky is Gray-sama's hair?", "Do you think Gray-sama's six-pack is hot?" and "Is Gray-sama secretly dating someone?"

Upon reaching, Erza offers to give us a tour, probably with the hope of escaping walking back to the rooms with Juvia. Lucy quickly chimes in and volunteers to tag along, whereas Juvia is to busy fuming over whether or not Gray likes Lucy.

"This is the hot bath.'

"Levy's room."

And then Bella collapses from exhaustion very lamely and we have to end the tour and Emily has to drag her back to our room, in a very un-glam manner.

As soon as we reach our room, I fall asleep.

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Emily Elliott**

I open my eyes slowly. Argh...Still dark outside. Blinking groggily, I look at the clock: 5am. Deciding that I will no longer be able to sleep, I get out of the bed and go for an early morning walk. Quality time to myself, here I come!

As soon as I step outside and sit down on a picnic table, I hear a soft voice coming from behind me.

"Good morning."

Jumping in shock, I whip around, just to see a pretty young girl about my age. Oh, hell, no. She has all the qualities of a Sue, and I really can't be bothered to describe them, taking up half a chapter.

"What. Ever." I snarl, through gritted teeth.

"I'm Nova, Nova Shade. I control darkness. I am a darkness dragon slayer."

I roll my eyes. Evidently. Ever single Sue that has ever lived seems to control darkness.

"Isn't there already Rogue for that? In the Grand Magic Games arc?" says Dai from behind me, breaking the fourth wall again.

The Sue frowns and turns away. "You idiots are lucky that you're stupid, that my charms don't work on you. But later..."

She melts into black vapour and disappears into the wind, like a true shadow Sue. Bleh. I decide that now would be an ideal time to test out my lacrima, but I really cannot be bothered. At all. Guess I'll find out when the time comes.

* * *

Dai chooses to go back in and get more rest, since we start work today, while I sit and down and, from my pocket, pull out six little beads resembling bubbles.

"_Not that I care, but...what are these? I mean, surely you didn't sneak me away from the fight for nothing?" I inquisitively ask Mirajane._

_Mirajane holds out the beads to me. "These are bubblers. Scream 'BUBBLE!" and they'll activate, enclosing you in a bubble, and floating you out of harm's way. Unfortunately, they can't be controlled and after a while, will float back down to the ground and pop. I think you'll need it to get out of sticky situations."_

_She casts a wary yet amused look at Celia. "You guys might need it, especially with her around. And perhaps if you ever are involved in a battle situation."_

_I raise an eyebrow quizzically. "Are you saying we're lame and will die in a battle?"_

_"Yes, pretty much."_

_"Okay then." I reach out and take the beads._

Mulling over the conversation, I can't help but smirk in amusement. Mirajane was probably right; we would fail miserably at fighting, unless our opponent was something like an ant or a chocolate bar. Reaching into my pocket, I pull out some string and start threading the beads onto the string; I'd better do so or the others will definitely lose theirs.

I sit in silence by myself for a bit, before hearing a gurgling sound I recognise as Juvia. Sighing, I turn around. "Yes, what about your Gray-sama this time?" I ask in a half-exasperated, half-sarcastic manner.

Juvia's eyes light up happily. "Juvia likes you! You listen about Gray-sama, and let Juvia talk! You want to be Juvia's nakama, yes? Or"-her expression darkens-"are you a love rival?! Tell Juvia!"

I slam my face onto the table.

* * *

We walk into the guild's mess hall for breakfast, after cleaning the bathrooms in Fairy Hills for about two hours. Celia is still complaining about having to start at six.

Erza nods in acknowledgement at us as we walk by, digging into her strawberry cake. Natsu and Gray, who are next to her, are quarelling noisily. Wakaba and Macao smirk and make bets on how long we'd last in a battle, Cana sloshing down her beer in the background. Juvia is rooting for Gray from the sidelines, with Lucy rolling her eyes.

All in all, it was a normal day, as far as we knew. Our first day as official Fairy Tail cleaners. This totally called for a commemorative photograph. Polaroid, anyone?

Yeah, right.

We sit down at a table that looks only slightly demolished, and settle for a caramelized pastry each. It sticks Dai's mouth together, and she falls off her seat trying to pry her mouth open.

"OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" Bella chews on her food with seemingly no problem, making annoying noises as she goes along. "NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM, WHITE SHOES AND MONEHHH, NOM NOM OM NOM NOM NOM NOM, PAPERCLIPS AND MONEHHH!"

Mirajane walks over again, "Have you tried your powers?" for a split second her expression changes into one that spelt out the destruction and maiming she would pour down upon us should we not obey her.

"Whatever," I say.

Mirajane laughs, "Okay, then. Try it out when you want! Don't blame me if you die!" She glides away on her heels (because she's just awesome like that) , putting emphasis on the word "die".

I swallow.

Suddenly, the door bursts open, and Nova Shade walks in, or should I say, struts in, like a true Mary-Sue. Of course, her hair is perfect, as usual, her Fairy Tail *coughcough* sized chest area is larger than Lucy's, as usual, and she's scantily clad in a black outfit, as usual. She stands in the doorway, _natural_ black and silver hair swaying in the wind, multi-coloured eyes black with beautiful gold specks.

Personally, I think that having a larger chest area than Ultear should be considered illegal. Plus, she may fall over when she walks, because I really don't think it's possible to even walk properly. I wonder how she puts on her shoes. I bet she can't see her feet when she looks down.

"BOW TO ME, THE NEW GUILD MASTER!" she screams, pointing her finger into the air, setting off a shower of black sparks that melted the floor into acidic pools of mush. I stare at the mush on the floor. "Ewww, I'm glad I didn't eat much before this; I think I'm gonna hurl!" I whisper to Dai.

Gray, being the show's number one fangirl attractor, stands up angrily, being careful not to knock over Erza's strawberry cheesecake.

"And who gave you the authority to just barge in here?" he snaps, already preparing for a fight, frosty mist swirling around his palms. Natsu nods agreeably and smacks his fist into his palm, while Lucy grabs her keys. The rest of the guild follows their example.

"Um, Erza?" Gray calls, glancing over his shoulder.

Erza mumbles something and stuffs the rest of her cake into her mouth in one go, before standing up and grabbing her sword.

Nova smirks.

Bella gasps into sane mode and before she can shout a warning, Nova has snapped her fingers.

Gray's eyes glaze over, and he walks up to Nova. "You're gorgeous."

"NO!" Bella screams.

A moment passes before she adds, "I sense a plot twist. So...I hope Percatatoes is safely in my pocket."

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Celia Carter**

If there's one thing I hate more than Mary-Sues, it's the f***ing badass-type Mary-Sues. Usually they turn out that way because they had a tragic, abusive past, and just want control before some hot guy falls in love with them and they realise that evil is not the right way to go. Honestly.

"Dude! Snap out of it!" yells Denise to no avail.

Nova smirks confidently. "Now," she barks in her melodious voice to the guild, "GET THEM!"

The guild turns around, preparing to "get us", with magic if necessary.

"GUYS!" yells Emily, "GRAB THESE!" She throws us small marble-like objects with string twined around them. "ON THE COUNT OF THREE, SCREAM 'BUBBLE'!"

I catch mine and hold it tightly in my clammy palm.

"ONE!"

I look up and see Wakaba approaching, with Macao on the other side, snarling.

"TWO!"

Natsu and Gray are hurtling towards us, and if Erza and Mirajane get us, we'll never make it out alive!

"THREE!"

Cana a few feet away.

"BUBBLE!" we holler.

The reaction is instantaneous. The marbles in our hands seemingly produce a small shiny bead, that kept growing larger and larger. Soon, it envelops us whole and starts carrying us upwards.

Towards the roof.

I shut my eyes and brace myself for the impact, but none comes.

We floated right through the roof! I really have to thank Mirajane, later, of course, since she's kind of a mindless zombie at the moment.

"Use...Your...Magic! We...need...it!" Emily instructs us, though her voice is a bit muffled due to the awesome bubble.

All of us focus, shutting our eyes, and a glow starts to form when-

"UP THERE! ERZA! THROW!"

And a few dozen swords pierce into our bubbles and we fall, into Erza's death trap of pointy swords, all facing upwards, waiting to skewer us through like meat on a stick. Which...is kind of what the f*** we are. Meat, I mean.

To make things worse, Nova is standing in front with her infuriating smirk on her face, arms crossed, amused, watching, waiting for our grisly deaths.

I decide that I shall swear like never before, which I might as well do since I'll be dead in a matter of seconds.

"NOVA SHADE, YOU GODDAMN F***ING BITCH! BY DOING THIS YOU HAVE F***ING INVOKED THE WRATH OF ME, CELIA JULIA CARTER! I HEREBY SWEAR THAT I WILL ONE DAY RETURN TO SEEK MY REVENGE AND BITCH-SLAP YOU TO YOUR F***ING DEATH! BLOODY HELL! I'LL TORTURE YOU FIRST YOU BLOODY F***ING WHORE! YOU ARE THE DAUGHTER OF A BLOODY ARSEHOLE!"

"GO AND ROT IN THE BLAZING FIRES OF HELL, DAUGHTER OF A CUCUMBER!" calls out Denise as loudly as she can at the same time. "I HOPE YOUR CORPSE BURNS SO HARD THAT THERE WON'T BE ANY ASHES LEFT!"

Alice looks annoyed, scribbling with a pen on a piece of paper still. "There are no blazing fires in hell. Or at least, none that we saw."

"What." utters Emily, flatly.

Bella turns to look at her, in her mode that seems to be halfway between sane and psycho, but more on the psycho side. "We're falling to our deaths. Again. Hehe~" She enlightens her, ridiculously calm.

"Ah, okay."

Then they look at each other in horror.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**"

Just as we are seconds away from the swords, with my eyes closed tightly, I suddenly feel something cold close in around me, my clothes feeling heavier, and I can't breathe.

* * *

I open my eyes, and my eyes immediately begin to hurt and blur. _Water. _I slowly pry open my eyes, adjusting to the, um, water.

I feel myself flying upwards in a bubble of water, and start gasping for breath, my eyes I starting to burn.

Then my water bubble hits the ground, hard, and the water splatters everywhere.

Falling onto the ground, I bend over and choke up the water. By the way, it tasted disgusting.

"Juvia?" I hear Bella gasp in surprise, "Aren't you a mindless zombie?"

I look us just in time to see the water mage collapse onto the ground in a heap, head buried in her hands. "G-Gray-sama has...has fallen under th-that girl's sp-spell! Now Gray-sama d-doesn't l-like Juvia at all!" she wails miserably. "J-Juvia wants you to h-help her find a way to d-d-defeat that girl! Her ch-charms didn't w-work because of J-Juvia's l-love for Gray-sama, Juvia thinks!"

Okay. So, one girl with pink mist, one with an obsession, and five with nothing but bubblers right now. We can _totally_ take Nova. Well, at least Juvia had the decency to run us away to safety. Although she did suffocate us in the process.

We sit down on the ground, in the grass, in a circle, as if holding council, which is kind of what we're doing.

"Suggestions on beating the Mary-Sue?" asks Bella, who hates Mary-Sues more than anything else in the world, has temporarily come back into sane mode just to brutally murder Nova Shade.

My hand immediately shoots up. An evil grin graces my feautures. "WE CAN F***ING CHARGE IN THERE AND KICK ALL MARY-SUE ARSE! SLAM THAT BITCH OVER THE HEAD WITH A STICK TILL SHE'S BLOODY UNCONSCIOUS AS HELL AND THEN F***ING BURN HER ALIVE, YEAH!"

Alice looks on curiously, grey eyes seemingly disapproving about my swearing, from the picture she's carving in the mud. "Unconscious as hell? We've been to hell, and hell sure as heck isn't unconscious."

I stand up and shake a fist in her face. "F*** THAT SHIT! I-"

"Why don't you buy tons of dresses and lock her in a room full of designer clothes, with no mirror?"

Who was that?

We all turn around and see a curious girl, about our maybe, maybe younger, maybe older, with short black hair, green eyes (like the normal kind that don't have flecks of whatever or anything) and the mathematical symbol _pi _scrawled all over her clothes, carrying a bag.

"I am Mary-Sue hunter, Fiona Felicia."

"Ohh..."

"Sure."

"Why not?"

"Whatever."

"Hehe~"

Suddenly, she shoves a lint roller in my face, moving it up and down as if it's a scanner. Then she pulls out a long list labelled "Traits Of A Mary-Sue" and eyes us critically, cancelling out options, while holding the list like a receipt.

Alice snatches the list and starts doodling immediately, all the while telling no-one-in-particular how long it was since she last touched paper and how freakishly awesome it was.

Seriously.

"Not a Mary-Sue. Sues never snatch," Fiona says absentmindedly pulling out another list from her pocket.

"Will you just stop checking if we're Mary-Sues? Just f***ing stop, and get on with the plan," I say impatiently, not realising that I just swore.

Fiona is very apparently taken aback, and she gasps, "This one's definitely not a Sue! She even swears!"

[Facepalm]

* * *

"I know a way to break them out of the spell," Fiona says seriously when she's sure we're not Sues, sitting down while we let her because, hey, what are the chances of her being a dark mage and wanting to kill us all? Only like, say, one million percent? But then again, stories with Mary-Sues and OCs always get warped. So if you want us to go into excruciating details on Fiona joining us and getting orientated with everyone, no.

BY THE POWER VESTED IN US AS AUTHORS, WE HEREBY GIVE ALL ORIGINAL CHARACTERS KNOWLEDGE OF EACH OTHER AND THEY ARE NOW BEST BUDDIES.

For some strange reason, I suddenly find myself hugging Alice and Emily. "I love you all!"

...BEST BUDDIES OF A LESSER SCALE. AND NOW WE WILL SHALL CONTINUE THE STORY.

"What did I just do? Damn you, authors," I snarl towards the heavens. I'm just awesome like that. Because to the rest of the world I do not look like I'm talking to that cloud up there that greatly resembles a bunny.

In order to purchase dresses we first need jewel. We also need some people from the guild to keep us safe in case Nova attacks again. Unfortunately, although Fiona has a plan, we aren't Mary-Sues and success is not guaranteed.

* * *

"Okay," whispers Fiona as we lay on our stomachs on the roof of the guild, "The plan is, get in there, smack Erza, Lucy, Natsu, Wendy and Gray over their heads. Hard. They'll snap out of it, but it won't be easy. We might even die, and it's only the first arc of the story. Why them, you ask? They're the protagonists, and those hardly ever fail. So we'll sneak in through that hole in the roof you guys oh-so-conveniently caused when Celia destroyed the guild during the party, as you guys told me, smack, and then GET OUT!" The last part is whisper-screamed as loud as possible. Which is to say, not very loud.

Bella raises her hand and widens her brown eyes like how we used to in school, although in school we never really did bother to raise our hands; just shouted out the answer because we didn't give a damn for Mrs Teliot. "Um, so, why are we dressed in black spy suits?"

"Oh, _those_." Fiona waves dismissively, "I carry some everywhere. They add to the atmosphere."

...Yep. We are totally going to beat Nova.

[Insert Pink Panther theme here. No, seriously. Go to YouTube now.]

"Okay," says Fiona, pulling rope out of her (magic) backpack, along with some metal poles which I don't know how they got in. "Let's go."

Securing some rope to some misshappen concrete blocks that were by some reason on the roof, we lower each other down.

Naturally, everything has to go so wrong.

The moment Alice is lowered down, she takes one look at the notice board and starts screaming, "PAPER! OH MY GOSH PAPER! I HAVEN'T TOUCHED PAPER IN SO LONG!"

"So long" being a total of only an hour.

Nova gazes, bored, at us, and makes a sweeping motion with her hands. And we free-fall toward the ground.

* * *

Kibora, again. LONGEST. CHAPTER. EVER.

We have tried to give a rough idea of how some characters look like, and if that didn't work, we'll list them here:

Alice: Dark grey eyes and braided brown hair  
Bella: Chocolate brown eyes (for maximum wide-eyed kiddy looks), and dark hair in a mega-boucy ponytail  
Celia: Medium-length brown hair and black eyes  
Dai: Short brownish-red hair and light brown eyes  
Emily: Dark eyes and short black hair  
Fiona: Short black hair and green eyes

If you're going to say they're Sues, _puh-lease_.

Well, production rate will be going up, due to our final member joining us, **SalutationsToYou**.

[The Order of the Insane]  
IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey  
Kibora/Cora


	6. Plot Twists and Monehhh

**WARNING: This chapter is extremely draggy and contains a lot of shrieking and Bella craziness. You have been warned. **

* * *

**Chapter Six: Plot Twists and Monehhh**

**Bella Belle**

"BUBBLE! BUBBLEBUBBLEBUBBLE!" I yell, wishing desperately for wings. It's been a good ride, with Percy and Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It, I hope they'll remember me for what I am now, not what I will be soon.

Which would be a squashed, bloody pancake. (And I just had a really horrible mental image of that.) Plus, my split personality thing now is getting really annoying. Since I am in sane mode currently, I really think that my insane mode is really stupid, and probably vice versa when I'm in insane mode. Argh. Virtual cookie if you understood that.

"UMPH!" I grunt in a very unclassy manner as I hit a hard, wodden surface; a table. I figure I'm safe since my guts aren't splattered all over the ground. I look up to see Emily standing over me, a placid expression on her face as she holds her hands high above her head. Sitting on the table as well as Emily dodges flying projectiles is Dai and Fiona.

Dai notices my confused expression and fills me in. "Emily decided to activate her-WATCH OUT! SWORD!-powers since she thought they'd be helpful to this-FIREBALL!-mission."

Nodding, I slowly get onto my feet, before the table jerks sharply and I fall back down. I make up my mind to stay like that. Looking over the edge, I see Celia holding up pretty well, screaming profanties and hitting people over the head with any random item she's able to get her hands on. Alice is crouched at the notice board, tearing paper off and "defending her paper", kicking out defensively if anyone got too close. Not bad.

I thank goodness that I had put my paperclips in my pocket before setting out.

No.

That's happy Bella talking.

Nonononono. I must not switch back. Bad Bella! BAD!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Fiona Felicia**

Mary-Sues. Mary-Sues. They're everywhere! And it is my duty to annihilate them. Eradicate them from the face of the Earth. Trample them underfoot. But wait, I would be out of a job if all Mary-Sues died, so I probably shouldn't kill all of them. On second thoughts, Mary-Sues have the ability to reproduce at an extraordinarily fast rate, so I might as well kill some more, and earn lotsa jewels for the Extreme MS Torture Plan. I pull out my list and start checking off traits to identify a Mary-Sue, trying to find the Mary-Sue in this room. Yes, I hail from the great family of Mary-Sue Hunters, also known as MSH. Enough background information. Let's get back to the story. The part where I am looking for a Mary-Sue.

"OH COME ON!" hollers Denise over the rushing wind, "IS IT NOT OBVIOUS?"

Right. But you can never be sure! Then again, most Mary-Sues do not usually travel in groups, because, as they would put it, "I work alone".

Providing that they are badass types. I actually enjoy my job, though, it's quite...well, enjoyable.

"Hm..." I mumble, turning to face Emily, "You should join the Mary-Sue Hunters, you seem quite awesome. Join us! We have pie!"

Bella looks up at me. "Hehehehe! That's funny, since you have_ pi _written on yourself! Lalala~" She giggles once more before returning to swinging her feet off the table, practically screaming:_ HEYYY! HEYYY! I'M UP HERE KILL ME!_

Emily turns to regard me carefully. "Buying pie to eat is a waste of money." she informs me, seriously. "Oh, and by the way, didn't Mirajane say something about needing years to master your magic? Yeah. So doesn't that mean my powers are kind of-"

Oooops. Too late, Emily.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

As we fall towards the ground, I manage to open my magical bag, my official MSH magic bag, and wrestle out my emergency water bed.

SPLASH!

We land on the water bed, hard, seconds after it hits the ground, producing cracks, and the bed just explodes, spraying water everywhere, temporarily stunning our opponents.

"MY BED! I HAVE A WHOLE COMPLETE SET OF FURNITURE IN THERE!" I wail, upset. I was close to that bed; we'd spent two hours of our lives together! I'd just bought it today!

Bella blows a wet lock of hair out of her eyes, soaked through, her hair messed up, ribbon nowhere to be found. "OH, I KNOW! YOU USED MONEH TO BUY THE BED! AND NOW YOU'VE LOST THE MONEY 'CAUSE THE BED IS BROKEN!"

...Oh my goodness gracious me, that kid is _smart_. We could totally use her in the MSH.

"HIT THEM OVER THE HEADS!" I quickly jump back into action, "OVER THE HEADS, HARD!" I round this up with a bout of maniacal laughter.

Dai runs to Lucy, metal pole in hand, shrieking occasionally and dodging flying shrapnel the best she can, while giving me a look that said, "Are you a crazy dolphin?" Her brownish-red hair is filled with splinters from the table, which probably helps when the possessed guild members try to reach out and end up grabbing her hair.

But then again, this is a guild of mages. It probably won't be long until they start using their magic to the extreme.

"Incantation: UHU _pi_!" I yell, and the _pi_ on my clothes immediately peel off and fly through the air, sticking onto the faces of the temporary enemies and refusing to budge thanks to the UHU glue on both sides. Ah, how I love my magic. Unfortunately, I can only use my _pi_ spells once every three point one four months, since I can only write one _pi_ a day. I don't know why. Rules of_ pi_, I guess.

I'm not even sure how long three point one four months _is_.

Then, I stop in front of a girl.

She glares at me through perfect shiny black mascara. "Yes?" I eye her critically. She looks like a Sue, but one can never be sure. Whipping out a pen and my list of Sue traits from my bag, I tell her to hold still for a moment.

Multi-coloured eyes...well, she does have black to purple to blue eyes.

Silky long hair...yup.

Skanky clothes? You bet.

She snatches the notepad from my hands, surveying the contents. (Hey! I thought Mary-Sues never snatch! Note to self: Badass Sues snatch.) Ripping it to shreds with perfectly manicured fingernails, she smirks. "Nova. Nova Shade. Mary-Sue at your service, now kicking your pathetic ass!"

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Emily Elliott**

I hear the disgusting Mary-Sue offer her services to Fiona. I assume that the Sue has offered to help Fiona in a good way. I hope it's a good way. If it is, then I feel insulted. I mean, who wouldn't want a maid that can cook, clean, etc for free? We can save a whole lot of money by doing that. She's (Nova Shade,) a Mary-Sue. She can't die, and even if she did, she would end up in heaven and there will be one less Mary-Sue on the planet. It's a win-win situation for us.

So I shout to Nova," You're at our service? Okay, you can start by washing and polishing our shoes. Once you are done with it, we would have a bunch of chores for you to do."

Then I see Fiona flying across the room.

Oh. So she meant services in a bad way. Ohhhh. Okay. I must've heard wrongly, then.

What a pity. Could've saved us a heck load of money. My friends say that I'm too money-minded. Guess what? I am. While we were alive on Earth, my parents wanted me to be even more money-minded. About that, I admit I do miss my parents. I would say more, however, we are currently fighting a Mary-Sue and I cannot afford to be...What was the word? Ah yes, distracted.

Meh.

I walk calmly up to Lucy. "Hello," I start, her response being to turn around and attempt to stab me with her keys (which I found weird.),"Don't you look lovely today."

Lucy freezes. "Well, yes," she replies uncertainly, "I am pretty damn cute, you know."

Nova gets a whiff of our "friendly" conversation and yells angrily at Lucy," Kill her! DO NOT DARE TO FORGET! My chest area is bigger than yours and I am a darkness dragon slayer so I am way cuter and way more badass than you! I CAN EASILY STEAL NATSU. HE WILL BE AT MY KNEES, BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS FOR NOT BEING MINE."

_Whoa!_ I think, _Natsu became an object!__  
_

Lucy is going to reply, except while Nova is distracted, Fiona skips over and hits Lucy over the head, HARD, with a giant metal pole (any guesses for where Fiona got that pole from?) and Lucy was knocked out cold.

That was pretty lame of Lucy, though. By the way everyone in the guild describes her, I would've thought she was more powerful. I guess not. Or maybe it was because Lucy had a large chest area that caused her to fall over easily.

As for Erza...

* * *

_(POV Swap)_

**Alice Ashley**

Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper. Paper.

It's my life.

IT'S SO GOOD TO BE NEAR PAPER AGAIN! Sure, I had Fiona's list, but it's not the same. Her list's paper was a different shade of white and it was thinner than the standard paper I use but thicker than the standard tracing paper I use. Thus, we can conclude that the paper was neither tracing paper nor normal paper in my list; sort of like both mixed together, if you know what I mean. Like an alloy of sorts. Also, it was way too smooth for drawing properly and the paper would crease whenever I tried to erase something. It was better than nothing, but still...

"DIE!" hisses an unamed and unimportant guild member, arms outstretched, a demented look on his face.

Immediately, I start panicking. I need to save my paper! Imagine the world without paper. I will never be able to experience the nice papery sensation that one gets while drawing oodles of doodles. What should I do? I haven't tried my powers! In a lame bid to escape, I focus and attempt to release my magic power. I shut my eyes and a green glow forms around me, which is okay, since I like green, but this is hardly the time to focus on this fact.

"DIE!" the guild member hisses again, and I swear I can hear his voice closer this time. I clench my fists, nails digging into my sweaty palms.

The ground begins to rumble.

A large piece of something hits me on the head, which makes me angrier and the ground shakes all the more vigorously.

I open my eyes, ground still shaking, debris falling from the ceiling, everything around me a raging battle. Only I couldn't tell who was winning.

"IN THE NAME OF MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP EEEEEERRRRRRRRR!" I scream. If my magic doesn't act up, I don't know if I'll survive the day.

Oh wait, screw that. Even if my magic acts up, I still don't know if I'll survive the day, because I'll probably manage to screw it all up. Somehow. I always do.

"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPEE EEEEEEEEEEEER!"

The floor cracks, clean across, the ground still rumbling horribly.

A flower pops out.

I'm not kidding. A flower. A _flower_. A _FLOWER_! A **FLOWER**!

Because a flower is totally going to help defeat the horde of zombies under Nova Shade's spell!

Only one last option.

"AAAHHH! AH! GET AWAY FROM MEEEEE!" I cover my face and cower against the notice board, kicking out randomly.

I brace myself for the coming of Jeff's voice, when I am back again in Heaven, though I am pretty sure I don't want to meet the buff dude in a long swirly dress this soon.

When I don't hear Jeff ordering me to be thrown into hell, I slowly open my eyes, only to find that insignificant character crouched over. It seems I kicked him where the sun does not shine. *Coughcoughcough choke spasm*

The guy seems to be in much pain, and I actually feel sorry for him. Almost. But, wait! I must not forget my cause - to save my precious paper from evil zombies who want to make me live in misery! I quickly jump to my feet, and grab a large handful, no, two large handfuls, and stuff some paper into my mouth as well, before spitting them out because evidently those pieces have been there rotting for a long time. I then snatch a large tub of butter from a zombie that has just been knocked over, by a Bella wanting food.

"BUTTER COSTS MONEHHHHH!" she states, before stomping off, but not getting far before-What do you know? More zombies!

Emily stares at the squished butter blankly. Finally she says with a sigh,"We shouldn't waste food. Wasting food equals wasting money and we need to save enough to buy clothes and food."

"Um, Emily, actually, I think you would want to join the MSH, we get paid 10,000 jewel for every Mary-Sue killed or caught. And we get to kill Sues," Fiona says earnestly, "Of course, those are just some of the benefits, we also get to rob the Sues of all their possesions, paid leave, and even- AHHH!" A zombie whacks Fiona over the head.

"MONEH, MONEH! EMILY LIKES MONEH! MONEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I WILL NOT LOSE TO A F***ING SUE LIKE YOU, BITCH!" yells Celia.

Yep. We're doomed.

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Celia Carter**

Who: Me

What: Trying to hit Erza over the head

When: During the first arc of The No Name Chronicles

Where: In the guild

Why: Because Erza has been bewitched by Nova Shade's awesomeness

How: By failing pretty miserably

"LET. ME. GO." I snarl at Jet and Droy, who, naturally, are bewitched. "I SWEAR THAT I WILL SOCK YOU OVER THE HEAD AND KICK YOUR SORRY ASSES, YEAH! YOU HEARD ME! OH, AND ONE MORE THING, LEVY DOESN'T LIKE EITHER OF YOU!"

For a moment, they seem to snap out of it, and I use that moment to slam their heads together, and then, before running towards Erza, I literally kick their butts because, hey, a promise is a promise.

Luckily for us, now two of us can use magic. However, all the happy thoughts about surviving through the day are dashed when some mages start using _their_ magic. Which, FYI, is way more powerful.

Crap. We are so darn dead.

"ARGH!" I charge towards Erza only for her to grab me by the scruff of my neck, smirk, and toss me away, in Gray's direction.

Upon turning and seeing me fly his way, he scowls and places his hands together. "Ice Excalibur!"

I land on the point.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYE EEEOOOOWWWW!" I yelp, dashing forward blindy, waving my metal pole crazily. I keep doing so, because my behind really does hurt, and then...

"Thunk!"

I look down. "Ehhh?" Erza is lying on the floor. It seems I whacked her while running. Quickly, I smoothen out my clothes and strike a pose.

"I totally meant to do that"

Gray's eyes widen. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT!"

Uh oh.

Just as I am about to die, Nova Shade steps in. An expression of rage is written all over her face. "I have no use for a man who shows feeling for another woman! You can have him!"

What? She's kinda like Juvia, but evil. I mean..."Feelings for another woman"? Really? If you saw _The _freaking Titania out cold, and if _The_ freaking Titania happened to be your best friend (or one of them, anyway), what would you do?

Hey, that's actually a good question.

On the bright side, Gray snaps out of his trance and looks around, confused. "What's happening? You know what? I don't want to know. Well, Juvia isn't wrapped around me, so everything must be fine."

Speaking of Juvia, what has she been doing? Is she helping us or just running away like a coward?

My question is answered when Juvia drops the two men she is strangling and bounds over happily to her Gray-sama, making kissy faces. "Graaaaaaaaaaaay-saaaaaamaaaaaaa! Juvia missed you! She will protect you more from now on, she'll never let you fall into another girl's trap! Because Juvia...Juvia...l-loves..." she utters, lovingly, oblivious to Gray who is on the ground, carefully holding Erza up, examining her.

"ERZA'S OUT COLD! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT!" he jumps up, glaring angrily at me.

Bella chooses that moment to run into Gray screaming, "MONEH, MONEH, MONEHHH!, knocking him into the ground before repeatedly smacking him on the head with an empty tub of butter, and then running away, making primitive noises like a gorilla or something. Sheesh. Like she couldn't have come about ten seconds earlier. I think she is having one of her crazy moments. But all the better, if not he could've gotten really dangerous. Now I feel happy about Bella's mental unstability.

Juvia stares at me. And then she jumps up and hugs me. "Thank you! You have just prevented a GrayZa moment. Do you want to be Juvia's nakama?"

Say what?

Fairy Tail even has shipping names? I'm amazed.

* * *

_(POV Swap)_

**Bella Belle**

"MONEH! MONEH! MONEH! MONEH! PERCATATOES! MONEH! PERCATATOES! PERCATATOES! Hehehe!~ SHUT UP BELLA! SHUT UP SHUT UP! MONEHHH! PERCATATOES!"

This is bad. I need to learn how to control my split personality.

MONEHHHH IS GOOOD LIKE PERCA-TAYYY-TOESSS!~ LALALALA, **LAAAAA**!~

SHUT UP, BELLA! On the bright side, we managed to knock Gray out, so that's three already down, and now we're left with Wendy and-

PERCATATOES! MY SHOOOOES ARE WHITE! LALALALALALALAAA~ HEHEHE! LALALALALALALAAAAAA~ I LOVE MY SHOOO-EEEEEES!

Bella! You're trolling the readers! And I'm breaking the fourth wall! You're really getting on my nerves! And my nerves are technically yours, too! Now if you'd just shut the-

YOU ARE MEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, BELLA! NOT LIKE MY PERCATATOES! PERCATATOES IS SWEET AND KIND AND-

I know about your goddamn Percatatoes. AUTHORS, PLEASE CALL FOR THE POV SWAP!

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Celia Carter**

How dare Bella interrupt the awesomeness that is my point of view! Ugh, honestly. Kids these days...what? Bella has got to be younger than me by about...Okay, you got me there. I don't know. But when you're getting chased by a bunch of magic-wielding mages with the sole intent of killing you, the little things don't exactly matter.

The...little...things...?

"Natsu! He likes food!" I yell excitedly, to anyone who might be within earshot. Luckily for me, Fiona is nearby with her bag of plenty. She nods to me and reaches a hand into the bag and rummages around.

Now to actually _find_ Natsu.

"YEAAAH! A FIIIGHT! COME AN' GET IT, BASTAAAAAAAARDS!"

Well. that wasn't so hard. It seems, whether evil or good, he's kind of the same during battles. Loud. Annoying. Fiery.

I dash towards Natsu screaming," FOOD! I'VE GOT FOOD FOR YOU, NATSU!" His head immediately swivels towards me. "Where?" he demands, fist aflame. I think it's a bid to intimidate me, and it's working.

I swallow and hold out my hands, hoping Fiona catches the gesture. Of course, like what Fiona mentioned before, we are NOT Mary-Sues so success isn't guarenteed. Can I screw this plan up? Absoulutely. Wait a second. What plan?

"It's h-here..." I stammer. Stammer! We Carters don't stammer! We cuss! What has this dastardly place done to me?

Natsu approaches. "I don't see anything!" His entire body catches flames, now. I told you I could screw things up.

"OVER HERE!" screams Fiona, and as Natsu turns his head, a whole pot roast, inclusive of pot, flies towards him and hits him square in the face.

Hm. That worked better than expected. Even though it was totally an accident that Fiona had a pot roast in a pot with her.

...I mean, that was what I meant to do, yes, yes.

So, let's see, how many people are left? They should promote us to the rank of the better class of wizards after this. BECAUSE I'M-I mean-WE'RE DAMN BOSS!

Lastly, Wendy. Oh, and maybe the flying cats, too. But what can those flying cats do?

Then I see the blue cat take out a LIVE crab from his green bag seemingly aim it at me. "KYA!" I yelp, running away. When nothing hits me, I turn around curiously. Eh?

Happy holds the writhing crab out to Fiona. "Can your bag cook this for me? Natsu won't, he's acting funny!"

So, the cats weren't under a spell?

"No wonder!" I exclaim, "It must be that the Mary-Sues are unable to place a spell on things that are either really stupid, or are cuter than themselves! Fiona, so, where's Wendy?"

Hey, would ya look at that! I can have my moments of intelligence.

Nova stands up. "Are you saying Wendy is cuter than me?" she asks incredulously.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Um...Well, it's kind of..."

"True?"

"Yes...wait! What am I saying! I'll kill you! Kill you!"

"You already tried." I shrug.

"SHINING SHADOW OF THE LIGHT OF NATURE'S DARKNESS EYES, I CALL UPON THE SEVEN STARS OF THE RED HEAVENS, SHOWER UPON ME YOUR BLESSINGS: ANNIHILATION!" she chants, eyes closed, shadows surrounding her, as she levitates.

Why does everyone here have some weird incantation?

And wait-shadows shine? Heaven is red?

Being pedantic, I tap Nova on her shoulder gently," Excuse me, how the f*** do shadows shine and how is heaven red?"

Her eyes fly open. "DON'T INTERRUPT WHEN I'M TRYING TO KILL YOU!" she snarls, but still managing to look beautiful while doing so.

"Well," I say matter-of-factly. "We've to Heaven, hell and back and I can tell you that Heaven's not red. In fact, it's gold and white with a heck load of jewels."

"Uh..." Nova stares at me uncertainly before realising she looks totally un-glam. She then straightens up, reapplies her makeup (but only a little but of makeup since she's already naturally beautiful) and then smirks at me. "Well then, give me your worst!" She taunts me. Unlike Emily, I have a short fuse.

"F*** OFF, BITCH!" I growl, raising my metal pole, and bringing in down on her head.

"Ha." she materialises behind me, "Don't you know it's impossible to beat a Sue? Foolish normal OC. You'll never be my standard."

I narrow my eyes. "Bring. It. On. I've survived hell. I don't fear death. Very much, anyway."

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Fiona Felicia**

"Weeeeeeeeeeeendy!" I call, trying to smack away zombies; the battle is really heating up, we need to get everyone and get out soon. Bella has dragged Natsu, Erza and Gray away, dumped them in a pile, and is looking after them with Happy and Charle. By "looking after" I mean hitting anything and everything with an empty tub of butter. That girl.

I hear that Sue say that she can't die, before laughing smugly. What have I been doing my entire life? The obvious-killing Mary-Sues! How. Dare. She.

I will murder her and rip out her guts and tear her apart and remove her makeup and marr her perfect face till it's unrecognisable...Mentally.

But right now, the priority is Wendy. "WEEEEENNDDYYYY! I HAVE POT ROAST! COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU AREEEEEEEE!" Oh, right, I forgot to mention, the other reason that I'm so desperate is because that flying feline, Charle, threatened to get Happy to cover me in mushrooms. I hate mushrooms. They're just...icky. I hate how that cat can "see the future". Apparently, she saw me freaking out over a dish of mushrooms and spinach. Hmph.

So, back to calling Wendy.

"WENDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Out of the blue, I spot a blue-haired girl. (Hahaha, bad pun. I suck at those.) "Wendy, let's go!" I grasp her hand and try to run off. "Wendy? WE HAVE TO GO!"

"Script magic: Iron!"

Okay, there's something really wrong with this. I need to learn to pay attention to my leader when she's giving me the Sue update, and information on the mission I'm taking. But, I vaguely remember that Wendy uses Sky magic? So...

Wrong person.

"KYA!" I leap out of the way just as a giant block of iron crashes down on where I was standing a mere second ago. Okay, I really hate this. Compared to these mages, I'm useless. And I don't like being useless.

You see, as a Mary-Sue Hunter, I have sworn that I will use everything I have, including my life, to kill Mary-Sues. As usual, great risks gives you great gain. Thus, even though I risk my life on this job, I get a heck load of money, a magical bag that can store anything and everything (it is like a dimension on its own) and _pi_ powers...which can only be used every three-point-one-four months.

And I used my powers just a few hours ago, which means I can't use magic anymore today A.K.A I'm useless and the people whom the authors made me best buddies with are people who are powerless, profane, and bipolar, and are all going to die with me.

Got that?

No?

Then join the MSH! We have courses for improving your attention span! You'll never fall asleep in the middle of a meeting again!

"WEEEEENNNNDDDDYYYY!"

Just as Charle is about to throw more of her prophecies and whatnot at my face, a cute little girl with blue hair in two ponytails, and dressed in fluffy pyjamas runs out from seemingly nowhere.

"Charle? What is happening? Who are you?" she looks around, scared.

"I'm Fiona Felicia, Mary-Sue hunter, here on official Sue detaining business. WHERE THE FUDGECAKES WERE YOU?!"

She backs away a little. "_G-Gomen_, Fiona-san, I was taking my afternoon nap."

Aw, she's so sweet and young and cute and innocent.

*GASP*

SHE COULD BE A KAWAII-DESU-NE-PINK-FLOWERS-RAINBOW-PONIES-MAGICAL-UNICORNS-SPARKLES-BARBIES-GLITTER-INNOCENT TYPE SUE!

I pull out my checklist.

"Nevermind that," Emily (When did she get here?) grabs Wendy's hand, "WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!"

* * *

_**:::LALALALALALALALALA~ RaNdOm SpAcE, rAnDoM sPaCe, LALALALA~ :::**_

It's Kibora. You know what? I'll just switch to Cora. It's shorter. I bet you all are growing steadily tired of me.

Anyhoo, I apologise for the sheer dragginess of it all. I mean, we all agreed that the plotline hardly _moved_. At. All.

As usual, Celia is profane, Bella is crazy and bipolar, and Emily loves MONEHHHH.

Oh, dear. Will Bella EVER get those personalities under control? Will Celia beat Nova? Will Alice get her paper?!

THE PLOT THICKENS!

Thank you, dear readers for, well, reading the story thus far. We would all like to give you a virtual cookie.

[The Order of the Insane]  
IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey  
Kibora/Cora


	7. Project Bargain Bin

**Chapter Seven: Project Bargain Bin**

_Denise Dellwright_

Celia manages to punch the Sue on the nose, hard, but the Sue retaliates by kicking her right over to the guild entrance. All the better, because we've got Wendy and have got to go.

Yay for running out of a guild in as much chaos as in Touhou UFO Stage Five on Lunatic. Why that paticular stage? Because lasers curve, so I need to go and check all the physics books that I don't have. Of course, perhaps it is because the boss of that stage isn't human so she possesses the ability to bend the lasers to her will.

Wendy seems to hesitate.

"Are you f***ing coming?" Celia demands, making the little girl cringe and shrink back even more.

"Hai, C-Celia-san..." she stutters as she shuffles along. Obviously she is not used to being cussed at. The poor girl, being scarred for life at such a young age, just like Flandre Scarlet from Touhou, sister of Remilia Scarlet. Well, actually Flandre wasn't exactly "scarred for life", just locked in a basement for almost five centuries, never seeing any humans except for...Oh look, Celia's giving me a dirty look right now. I shall shut up now.

Fiona nods stiffly, slinging her magic bag over her shoulder, "LET'S GOOOOO!"

And we charge out just as the mages of Fairy Tail launch an unison raid courtesy of the whole guild, which would've been cool if it wasn't meant to fry us into overly-crisped crispy OC crisps.

Well, as a wiseman once said, "Fight, and run away, and you'll live to fight another day".

Yes, running away sounds good.

Ditch that. Running away sounds VERY good.

Now, picture in your mind a totally epic scene in which the guild falls apart in an explosion of colours, and then some dark silhouettes against the flames, flying through the air towards the ground, in slow motion towards very painful landings.

Coincidentally, we _are_ those silhouettes.

"IMMA BE FACE-PLANTING LIKE THE TOUHOU CHARACTERS WHEN-!" I get cut off as I face-plant into the ground. Since this is an anime (plus OCs), I don't get seriously injured or anything, just a FREAKING PAINFUL FACE.

You know, with cuts that look like many deformed tic-tac-toes and bruises and stuff.

But this is T-rated so no gruesome deaths.

I mean, if Gray can bounce three times, ten meters into the air, before sliding down a crumbling mountain (named Nirvana), clawing on with his _fingers_, I'm pretty sure we can survive jumping out of an exploding guild.

Darn it I just broke the fourth wall by saying that.

"MMMPPPHHSSFPS!" I grunt classily, before finding myself pulled onto my feet by Fiona, a grim smile on her face. "Yes, MMMPPPHHSSFPS, very well said. We have to get out of here, and lug Gray, Natsu, and Erza along. Juvia is currently carrying/suffocating them in her bubbles of water. Even then, we should probably run," she says, pulling out more, this time navy blue, spy clothes from the magical bag. "The torn clothes are very, well, torn, so, do you want these, or-"

"NO!" we yell in unison. "We", that is, the all of us except Emily.

Emily is sprawled on the floor, face down, and hopefully not dead. "Emily-san, are you okay?" Wendy asks, worried.

"NO! I AM NOT OKAY! How do you expect me to be okay when the a building worth my life's savings and more has just been destroyed?" Emily bursts out suddenly, causing Wendy to shrink back, frightened. Emily wails miserably, pounding the ground with her fist, all the while sobbing, "The money! ANYTHING BUT THE MONEY!"

Juvia glares at us all. "JUVIA ASKS IF WE CAN JUST RUN? SHE DOESN'T WANT HER GRAY-SAMA TO SUFFOCATE FOR TOO LONG!"

She promptly bursts into tears.

To cut a long story short, after a lot of pleading and pacifying and tears (nearly causing Gray and the others to suffocate; ditch that yes they suffocated), we finally manage to get everyone moving, but at a really slow pace. Juvia spends half the time fanning Gray's face and fussing over him. Which means that she has to stop and release everyone from the water bubbles.

"Should Juvia perform CPR on Gray-sama to make sure he's alive?" Juvia asks, eagerly, by the sixth stop.

"NO!"

"If you leave him alone, he'll come to by himself, even if he's dead, like how three people came back in Touhou Undefined Fantastic Object (UFO) and Ten Desires (TD)," I mutter, exasperated by Juvia's "undying love and passion" for Gray.

Fiona claps loudly. "CAN WE JUST MOVE?"

Gray, Natsu, and Erza choose this moment to regain consciousness.

"Gray-sama! Juvia was so worried you would die, and leave Juvia all alone, without first kissing Juvia!" Juvia screams, throwing herself at Gray, who expertly dodges her. It looks like he has had quite a bit of practice at doing so.

Silence.

"What? You were going to kiss me?!"

Juvia stares at Gray.

"...No."

[Insert the much-needed facepalm here]

* * *

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, when we are all up and running towards the town for lodging, we decide to hatch a plan to defeat Nova (while running).

"How about we cover the whole place in scarlet mist?" I suggest.

"No!" yells just about everyone. Ugh. Haters gonna hate, I guess.

"Maybe we could lure her out with cash. I mean, who can refuse money..." Emily trails off thoughtfully, tapping a finger to her chin. (While running! I know, right?)

Gray, Natsu and Erza simultaneously raise their hands. "BEAT THEM UP!"

Juvia attempts to coil herself around Gray again, while he tries to push her off him. "Grayyy-samaa! Juvia agrees! You're sooo smart!"

Celia smiles brightly at them. "Hmmm..." She pretends to think about it. "Hell no," Celia concludes, snapping at them, with a flick of one of her her fingers.

Celia proceeds to launch into full-length-explanation mode. "Firstly, Nova Shade is a f***ing Mary-Sue, which means she will never lose. Secondly, we already tried beating them up, and it failed miserably. Thirdly, the three of you, who happen to be the most powerful among all of us, will fall under her whatever-darkness-charm spell. Especially Gray since the fangirls think he's 'hot'. Therefore, the answer is no. And haven't we already decided to buy clothes and then lock the Sue in the room with them but with NO MIRROR?" she finishes, with the _Duh! _look on her face.

Gray stares at us before asking," Why do they think I'm 'hot'? I should be known as 'cold', as cold as an ice block!"

"Considering you almost turned yourself into and ice block at Galuna island, that's about right," Lucy murmurs.

Sure, that's what they care about.

Bella starts clapping enthusiastically and yelling things that are completely irrelevant whatsoever to what Celia has just said. "YAY FOR PERCATATOES! AND MONEEEEEEEH! PERCATATOES! MONEH AGAIN! LALALALA!~"

Wow. She's so crazily enthusiastic she can break the "one exclamation mark" rule of punctuation.

Erza stands up calmly. "Your voice has extremely high decibels. Well done! Do you do vocal exercises?" She pats Bella on the back, congratulating her for some reason, causing her to fly forward and onto the ground.

"FACE-PLANT!" Bella yells excitedly from her face-down spot on the ground, waving her limbs happily, looking like she is trying to make a snow angel, except that there isn't any snow.

Oh Touhou, Touhou, what has this world become? A world with us running away from a badass-y (or maybe not _so_ badass-y) Mary-Sue, whose name is Nova, with a bunch of crazy mages and a hyperactive, psycho Bella who only cares about Percatatoes.

Screw that. Bella, in any world/game/place/location, will still care only for her precious Percatatoes. Hmph.

Though I must say it's a pity Touhou doesn't exist. I think...

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Celia Carter**

We arrive at a small inn, and are assigned to two rooms for free, since Erza is the well known Titania (and Emily convinced her to get them for free to save money).

I stare at Bella, who seems to be trying to make snow angels on the carpet (though there is obviously no snow in sight). Then, at Dai and Emily, who are once again having a somewhat heated debate about Touhou, no doubt. I also spot Alice, who is preoccupied with her paper and does not seem capable of doing anything else but to check how clean the paper actually is.

Fiona is digging through her bag for some item, while the five Fairy Tail mages and two cats (Pantherlily isn't in this arc yet...) have somehow started another fight without the rest of us noticing. (Fight meaning Erza beating everyone up.)

Let's take a break.

I plop myself next to Fiona.

"Got any food?" I ask hopefully.

Fiona responds by yanking out an impossibly large table from her tiny bag, along with piles and piles of food.

I gasp. How does anyone fit that much stuff into such a small bag?

Miraculously, the pink-haired boy-I think his name was Natsu-survives Erza's onslaught and now stands behind us, gaping at the food.

Fiona grins.

"Everyone, eat up!"

She doesn't need to say it. Even before Fiona had started her sentence, Natsu and Gray had already started to gorge themselves silly. F***ing boys. So greedy.

* * *

While we're stuffing our faces with freaking awesome food, Fiona chatters excitedly. "Another great reason to join the MSH! We have magical bags! Yes, so everything inside you have to purchase yourself and stuff it in, so we'll have to buy food soon, but still! It's the ultimate storage space, which you can only get at the MSH! On top of that, we have great pay, and..."

Everyone sighs in exasperation at Fiona's non-stop advertising. "STOP ADVERTISING, DUDE!" yells Dai.

Bella giggles, with her mouth full of potatoes. "Hehehe~ Potatoes are from Sack O' Potatoes With A Hole In It!"

Silence.

Then Bella's eyes widen, and she spits out her food, and then she screams at the top of her lungs (if not, louder, but I don't know if that's possible):

"I'M EATING SACK O' POTATOES WITH A HOLE IN IT'S CHILDREN! AHHHH!"

The last part comes out as a high-pitched shriek that makes everyone cover their ears, with the exception of Erza who thinks Bella is doing vocal warm-ups and joins in. Ouch. I mean, seriously, my ears.

"BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL! BELLA IS A BAD GIRL!

(^^I'll bet that none of you readers read that whole sector word for word. And Cora actually wrote that word for word.)

Then suddenly, she shuts up, and picks her fork up and continues eating like nothing ever happened, and she didn't just seriously troll the story again.

We stare.

I shake my head. "Holy mother fudgecakes."

"What are you looking at?" she snaps, getting up to toss the spit-covered potatoes into the bin in disgust, "You should know I have a split personality."

Gray and Natsu continue eating, while Erza looks disappointed that vocal warm-up time has ended. Lucy is sprawled pitifully on the floor. "My ears are bleeding..."

And since this is, once again, an anime, or at least a _fanfiction_ of an anime, her ears seriously are bleeding.

And once again, we've broken the fourth wall.

Cue Happy holding up a sign saying, "And then!"

To the next sector!

* * *

Fiona, true to her words, has pulled out a bed, an air mattress, and some sleeping bags. Needless to say...

"I'LL TAKE THE BED!" screams Natsu.

"NO, I'LL TAKE IT!" bellows Gray in Natsu's face.

"How about both of you sleep on it? Or have the ice dude make his own bed," suggests Dai. Then, she ventures, "Can we take it?"

They turn to face her. "YOU WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?"

Dai shuts up, and we decide to sleep on whatever we're given.

Erza clamps both armour-clad hands on Natsu and Gray's shoulders, and gives them both a stare that silently screams of the unspoken wrath and destruction she will rain upon them do they not adhere to her every wish. "May_ I _take it?"

They nod nervously.

"I would love to have the bed..." I mumble under my breath, glaring hatefully at the sleeping bags. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against sleeping bags (Sleeping bag says: "YES YOU DO!"), I just would prefer a good night's rest, which I haven't had since being reincarnated.

While everyone else who got the sleeping bags seems a little dissatisfied, no one says anything, with the exception of Bella, who is somehow back in insane mode.

"Hehe~ Percatatoes llllllikes sleeping!"

"Shut the f***ing hell up," I growl. Really, we are trying to get some proper rest and Bella has to go on about her Percatatoes.

"I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I agree, Celia. Bella, if you do not shut up now. I'll have to take...measures." Emily smiles, and you can see a small twinkle in each of her eyes.

Bella giggles. "Okay! Bella will keep quiet for Emily!"

I nearly applaud Emily.

"Also," continues Emily, "You are wasting time, and, time is money. So you're wasting my money. Money does not come by easily, so saving money is of great importance."

...Never mind.

* * *

We are all awake, talking, because Erza has woken us all up at three in the morning to move the plot and discuss some stuff, because of her awesome leadership skills.

"You know," says Emily. "I've been thinking about it, I mean, to undertake this mission where we have almost zero chance of surviving, we need a team. A team with a better name than "Team Shadow Gore" or the personal bodyguards of the Lightning Dude, named "I Eat Shoe" or something like that. And, for our team, we need a leader, to lead. And I was thinking of making Fiona our leader."

"Your reasons?" asks Dai.

"Her anger fuse is easily longer and thicker than any of us, her intelligence is hopefully higher than any of us, her pi magic is stronger and more skilled than any of our magic at present, she has a bag of plenty, she knows Fiore better than any of us, she has more money than any of us..." Emily stops abruptly when she hears me go...

"SHUT THE F***NG HELL UP! THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Emily eyes me critically, before sighing and saying, "I was comparing your anger fuse with Fiona's. The difference is amazing! I've been watching you and Alice for a while. None of your anger fuses are long or thick; by provoking either of you with a certain topic you all feel most sensitive about, I can make you all explode like dynamite."

This was probably a bid to make me angry. I, being a Carter, should not feel insecure about anything, and thus, I bite my lip and hold back my anger.

Then I notice Dai's face. Her eyes are sparkling at the word "dynamite". Don't tell me we've got a pyromaniac on our team.

Dai says," If we throw dynamite at the guild, the people in there would get blown out of the guild and hopefully bonk their heads hard on the ground causing them to snap out of Nova's something-or-the-other spell. I wasn't paying attention to what she said."

Bella sighs. "Can we just go back to sleep and leave this leader thing to the readers?"

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Bella Belle**

Seeing as though everyone is taking to my suggestion well, collapsing at some point, slowly, one after another, I decide that, I too will go to bed. I shove Fiona aside, and then curl up into a ball on the edge of the air mattress.

I drift off into a deeep sleep.

I am floating, that is what I am doing, floating through a park. Trees bearing fruits grow everywhere. I swoop down closer and see that the fruits are potatoes! Potatoes everywhere, in every form! There is a bush of fries, a fountain of mashed potatoes.

And some tomato ketchup because "tomato" rhymes with "potato".

I wanna eat a potato.

So I do.

I like dreams!

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Emily Elliott **

Ah, yes, money. What would the world be without it? And therefore we must ensure that we are absolutely careful to save every bit of it.

So, we were happily sleeping-well,_ I _wasn't-when Natsu decided to burn the apartments down. Wrong timing.

Erza was eating her favourite cake, and that was burnt as well. It's such as waste of money now that she can't eat it. Honestly, I would think Natsu had more sense than to burn the apartments down. I mean, doesn't he know how much it costs to build just _one _apartment? Money doesn't fall from the sky, so we must-

Oh look, Celia's giving me the disapproving look again.

She's been giving that look one time too many in this story.

ANYWAY.

Back to Erza's cake...

Oh no.

"MY CAKE-!" bellows Erza.

"Oh shit," Celia mutters.

And then Erza proceeds to kill Natsu.

Well, not literally.

But close enough.

* * *

**What: Operation Planning On To Kill A Mary-Sue**

**When: 11am in the morning**

**Why: Because Nova Shade is an idiot and frankly a waste of our time**

**Who: Us**

**Where: Crammed in a pretty small tent that Fiona pulled out from her bag due to the fact that NATSU TRASHED THE FREAKIN' INN**

**How: In all honesty, I don't know what we're doing in the first place, actually, let alone how.**

"YOU'RE...STEPPING...ON...MY...FOOT..." grumbles Dai to Alice, who in turn glares back and attempts to move a little.

"This is my space!" shouts Natsu, who is quite injured by Erza's earlier cake rampage, but other than that, fine. That's because, once again, this is an anime and things can be relatively unrealistic at times.

"No, that's mine!" Gray yells back.

"YOU WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?"

"Ganbatte, Gray-sama!" Juvia shrieks with all the enthusiasm of a Gray Fullbuster fangirl. Except...more obsessed.

I don't know how that's possible, but I think you get what I mean.

"Oh God here we go again," I mumble.

"LALALA~ PERCATATOES! MONEHHHHH MONEHMONEH MONEH MONEH~ My shoes are still white!" Bella points out, once again, the obvious, and Erza joins in doing the so-called vocal warm-ups.

Alice crushes her paper into a ball and glares at us all. "CAN WE JUST GO TO THE MALL AND BUY THE CLOTHES!?"

"BUT THE CLOTHES COST MONEY," I point out. "We shouldn't waste our hard-earned money on that stupid Mary-Sue. Saving your money is a virtue."

Fiona's eyes light up. "Then join the MSH! We are given high pay-"

"STOP F***ING ADVERTISING, DUDE," screams Celia.

"LALALALALALALALALALA~ TOMAYYYTO! POTAYTO! BELLA HADS A DREAM!"

"Wait, so we're spending money here, yes. But! After killing the Sue, we get paid, right? So then we get back profit. Not to mention we have the canon characters who obviously have cash 'cause they're canon. And Fiona, who can just sell whatever is in her bag. Plus, she probably has lots of cash, seeing that she's positively psyched about killing Sues."

...Fine. Since I'll profit from this.

"Can we shop for ourselves too?" begs Dai. "See that cute widdle kitten shirt?"

I look at her. "No. It is a waste of money."

Dai pouts, and slouches in disappointment. "But I will be able to wear it over and over, so it'll be useful in the long run!" she protests.

"But you'll outgrow it eventually," I reply calmly. Ah, kids. Can't control their shopping urges. So much to learn, so much potential wasted.

"You eventually outgrow ALL your clothes!"

"Then there's no point of buying new ones. Might as well have just two pairs of majorly oversized clothes to rotate and wear all your life. A pity, too. I was planning to let you guys shop once a year on your birthdays, but since you reminded me of the whole outgrowing thing, I guess not."

Dai makes a strange sound in the back of her throat, a cross between a growl and maybe a spasm. Oh, I hope she's not sick. If she is, we'll have to pay for a doctor and doctors are expensive. Lots of money will be wasted.

WE. MUST. SAVE. MONEY.

"That's settled, then. Fiona, you'll pay for whatever we buy. We will each split up into pairs and then go to different shops, and buy clothes for the Sue. Make them black and revealing. 9,000 jewel, each group gets 3,000." I intruct them. Money must be saved. And if we kill this Sue, we'll have made a 1,000 profit.

Erza glares at me. "I will buy what I want to buy." ...The glare was unnecessary.

In the end, we go our seperate ways with the jewel. I decide that I should get mint candy for myself, despite the Sue. Mintsssss. That is a necessity.

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Alice Ashley**

I spent all my money on paper, in five seconds flat. Fiona tried to stop me. I couldn't help it, there was this lovely stationery shop, called, well, Love Lee Stationery Shop. I know the rest will kill me when I get back, but who cares? Oh, and I got a nice green pencil along with a few enormous erasers. I'm so happy, I could die! But if I die, I can't use my stationery.

New pencil and erasers. YAY! New huge stack of pristine white CLEAN paper. DOUBLE YAY!

**Emily Elliott: [Interlude]**

_Written by Night Chimes_

I decide to write a song on Alice and Bella so as to distract myself and save money. Maybe by the time I'm done the rest will have bought everything and I won't have to spend. Dai is screaming at me to get up, but no one can stop me from saving!

(To the tune of 'Old McDonald had a Farm'.)

Old Fanfiction had a troll,

Trololololo.

And on that website one was Bella,

Percataaetoes.

With a "moneh" here and a "moneh" there.

Moneh, moneh, monehmonehmoneh.

Old Fanfiction had a troll,

trololololo.

Old Fanfiction had two trolls,

trololololo.

And on that website one was Alice,

trololololo.

With a "paper" here and a "paper" there,

pen, pencil and paper.

Old Fanfiction had two trolls,

trololololo!

Old Fanfiction had three trolls,

trololololo.

And on that website, one was Celia,

trolololololo

With an "F-word" here and an "F-word" there.

*Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeep*

Old Fanfiction had three trolls,

trololololo.

Old Fanfiction had four trolls,

trololololo.

And on that website, one was Denise,

trololololo.

With a "Touhou " here and a "Touhou" there.

She knows so much about Touhou.

Old Fanfiction had four trolls,

trololololo.

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Celia Carter**

Bella drags me into the nearest clothes store she can find. Unfortunately, we find Dai and Emily in there too. Emily seems to be scribbling on paper, obviously trying to keep her mind off spending. Stingy, stingy, stingy.

Emily looks up and sighs. "I've already picked everything." She gestures to a basket sitting next to her. It's labelled "Bargain Bin".

Bella and I dutifully shuffle over and check the clothes and prices. Pulling out an ugly pair of brown jeans with suspicious yellow and green splotches among the design of shocking pink and blue polka dots. Emily grins, exclaiming, "See? Two jewel! What a find, right?" I rip them out of her hands, and toss them back in.

Raising an eyebrow, seemingly in sane mode, Bella asks the one thing on everyone's except Emily's mind: "Has it ever occured to you why these items are in the Bargain Bin?"

There is silence.

* * *

"So, let me check again..." sighs Erza, our incompetence just beginning to dawn on her, "You were at the mall for a whole day, and you guys didn't buy anything remotely helpful?"

The last part is said with a glance at Alice's stationery.

"Bargain bin, I said, but noooooo!" sulks Emily, that being her sum of the entire argument.

Then Gray and Natsu come rushing back, hands full of shopping bags. They grin at us and empty the contents onto the ground.

What.

The.

Actual.

Heck.

Branded goods! Mary-Sue clothes, six-inch stilettos (those are _legit?_), cosmetics. Black. Revealing. Who would have thought that Natsu and Gray of all people in Fairy Tail would have proved useful in _shopping_? And why were they even in the women's department?

"YOU SAVED US ALL~ HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE~" Bella proceeds to attempt to hug them because her mental capacity is about that of a five-year-old, but Alice holds her back.

"Ohnonono, the next thing you know, you'll be ruining ships consisting of canon characters," Alice warns her, pointing to Juvia who is gnawing on her shawl in desperation like: _Oh Bella better not hug Gray-sama!_

I roll my eyes at her. "Besides," I jab my finger in Juvia's direction, "_That_ will never make it. Never in a million f***ing years."

Dai, who has overheard us, nods seriously in agreement.

"So...well done," Erza tells them, and Natsu and Gray, especially Gray, seem to look very smug receiving a compliment from her like that, "Now pack everything back up."

We stand around in awkward silence, watching Natsu and Gray.

Then Fiona clears her throat. "Um...so now we wash the clothes and then give them to Nova Shade? That sounds too easy. Don't you think there's a catch?"

"No."

"Absolutely not."

"Hehehe~ Bella thinks it's a no!"

"...Nuh-uh."

"Well, okay then."

Dai raises her hand. "Can we at least try the dynamite?"

* * *

Basically, this is how it went: we went to buy dynamite (I mean, seriously, they actually just _sell _those things off the streets?); Dai looked like she wanted to jump through the roof in joy. Pyromaniac alert, I say. Yes, we know that once we defeat the Sue, everyone returns to normal, but it would be more helpful if we had some people to help us with the process, some useful people with magic that is actually beneficial, who don't need to wait 3.14 months, and that's where the dynamite comes in.

We walk through the streets of whatever this damn place is called, Emily and Wendy holding the dynamite. Of course, random people gawk at the dynamite, like we're all pyromaniacs. Which, in truth, only two are.

These people are probably afraid that we'll blow them up. See, this is why nobody gives dynamite to pyromaniacs.

And that is why Emily and Wendy are holding it.

Gray, Alice and I have been deemed: Short anger fuses (And Natsu too. He has a short fuse which produces fire if you light it up, but he's already under the pyromaniac category, so no.)

Erza has been deemed as dangerous.

Bella is too crazy to hold the dynamite, besides, goodness knows what she would do if we passed it to her. Imagine if she ate it. Ugh...

Fiona complains that if she were to hold it, she wouldn't be able to pull out her Mary-Sue checklist.

Lucy doesn't want to hold it, saying that Natsu is enough fire for her.

Wendy and Emily are willing to hold it, though, Wendy out of the goodness of her heart and Emily to make sure we don't lose it, then we spent the next half hour listening to her speech about how that would be a total waste of money.

We don't pass it to Juvia because once she starts talking to her Gray-sama, she might just drop/lose/crush/kiss the dynamite in the process.

* * *

We finally reach the guild amid _some people _complaining and fussing about about food, water, Gray, money and finally, Percatatoes. Damn them all.

Also, people on the streets are staring at us...Especially at the people holding dynamite, also known as "Emily" and "Wendy".

Naturally, Emily just walks through, glaring at everybody. If they don't have money and aren't her friends...Well.

We walk right through the crowd. No, we didn't literally walk through the crowd, since none of us have density manipulation as our power.

Didn't guess it right?

You did?

Well, damn it all.

* * *

_(POV swap)_

**Denise Dellwright**

This is the first time I'm as happy as I would be if I managed to complete Touhou Ten Desires on Lunatic mode, which is pretty much impossible considering the fact that I'm not a lunatic. (Even though Ten Desires is supposedly the easiest.)

Celia is staring at me with this look on her face that says, "Yes, you are a lunatic." (Except with more swearing. I honestly don't know how a look on her face can swear, but then again, it's Celia.) (Actual translation: Yes, you are a ****ing goddamned lunatic.)

I wonder if she can read my thoughts. But still, the dynamite idea isn't that bad, is it? I mean, it's the one of our plans that might actually work. ( You can always count on dynamite!) If I manage to get out of this alive, I swear I'm gonna play Touhou like there's no tomorrow.

We finally reach the guild.

And someone throws the dynamite in.

Simple as that.

WAIT A MINUTE.

"Who...threw that stick of dynamite...?" I ask.

Bella giggles. "Me! Me! It was me~!"

"And...was it lit?" I can tell this will not end well, and Fiona is throwing nervous looks at the guild building, especially the door.

...

...

...

...

...

"THEY'RE OUTSIDE, GET THEM!"

The doors burst open.

* * *

Yes, yes, we finally completed it. Mostly it was nonsense. And...yes, we have put up a poll on our profile for you to choose the leader of this team...not including Lucy, Natsu, Erza, Gray, Juvia or Happy because they're canon..._duh_.

Listing the benefits of each character as the leader:

**Alice Ashley: **You know how families with young kids have potty stops when travelling? Yeah. If this OC's the leader, well, expect frequent paper stops. During battles, during travels, during shopping...

**Bella Belle: **Well. The story certainly will get...interesting...

**Celia Carter:** Conflict will lead to fights and then more conflicts. An amusing choice.

**Denise Dellwright: **"WE'LL SOLVE IT LIKE KOMACHI ONOZUKA! DO NOTHING! OR WE COULD SOLVE IT LIKE SHIKIEIKI YAMAXANADU AND DO EVERYTHING! OR SUIKA AND DRINK LIKE ONI _OR_..."

**Emily Elliot: **She refuses to adopt methods that involve spending. Enough said.

**Fiona Felicia:** Things will be done efficiently. The most obvious and practical choice.

There you go. And do check us out on DeviantArt for pictures of the characters. Our username is TheOrderOfInsane.


End file.
